Gotta Get Down on Friday

pexels-photo (8)Well, hells bells, mes amis, we have made our way to Friday night.

I forewent a monk-made chocolate truffle at lunch, but have unfortunately helped myself to a second serving of ice cream.  I don’t know why I feel so confessional about it.  I just need a place to say it and the thought of maintaining a second blog just to write things about what I shouldn’t buy the ice cream, really, because it’s impossible to really see how much you are allowed to eat.  But I know that I have committed myself to two doses and this means I must get on the bike and bike…aggressively.

I wish I could just transcend the whole PMS, eat like a maniac and

Today was stressful, but not in any particular way significantly differently stressful, so I don’t know why I felt like I was on this vast expanse of pins and needles and strewn eggshells from the moment I woke up.  If I had to guess, yes, we had an important visitor reviewing files and documents and all sorts of things from our deeply, deeply, wholly not-great year.  But we had things accessible enough, explainable enough, logical enough to at least answer what needed to be answered (so far, they might not be done yet) that everyone seems okay.   I wish I could just chill about any of it.  I keep worrying over my responsibilities, things I’ve tried hard to keep up with all year, something I didn’t realize having been forgotten.  Especially with everything we’ve had to hold together to keep everything running.  I felt the whole body tension and felt no impulse to let go of it.  I was just freaked out and concerned and I am trying to say, it’s Friday, you’re home, you’re full of ice cream and about to go get on a bike/play a shitton of video games and forget about it.  But I still feel the vise grip of something somewhere is going wrong.

I just got the whole wallop of emotions.  You can bleed every month for decades, you can get a notification on your phone that says, “HEY, ABOUT NOW, YOU ARE GOING TO GO ALL OFF-SCRIPT AND WONKY! SO…LOOK OUT!” and still go, Jesus, I am an utter mess right now.

Which is not to say, never to say, there weren’t bright spots.  I spoke to my mentor and I’m going to the ol’ stomping grounds to see her either before or after the Galentine’s Day party.  It was great to hear her voice and I noticed the way I sounded much more relaxed and confident just talking to her.

It helps just to say that you feel out of control.  It’s only one day’s worth of out of controlness.  And the whirling is mainly 1/2 cup of ice cream and some bad ideas about what makes a lady a lady (hint: it’s being perfect, obviously) and a desire to eat tacos until I explode.  I have only caved to one of these absurdities.

It is FRIDAY.  COME ON NOW.

The Dog’s Towel

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I don’t know why I feel a bit fearful about coming back here and talking about myself even if I know that it is definitely the fastest way t get my word count done rather than poking at these files as I add and delete sentences here and there.  Even if I have done it before, literally thousands of times.  It is like anything else when I am working through anxiety.  Thick woody vines grow over the idea that I am free and safe and acceptable and doing the best I can and squeeze those premises until they get no air and the only path that’s clear is the old, stupid one that goes out of our way by miles and hours just to find flat, unswerving road.  I duck my head until my neck aches and scuttle towards homes.  These are old habits and I’m overwhelmed and starting to really understand how the things that were before are following me and that, too, freaks me out and pushes me towards regrettable choices.

I don’t want to say this out loud because it’s too despairing to think that it’s not just me not trying hard enough to fit more time into the day.  I want the worry to be something I could fix even if I am too worried to actually fix it.  Some of this is, however, out of my hands.

I have a lot of strange stripes of energies all colliding and combining and asking for my attention right now and I know what center is.  I know what the right path is.  I know what to do to move forward.   I find doing those things essentially impossible right now even as I stumble towards doing them.  So I feel guilty and imperfect and imperfect for using the world imperfect.   I am writing, and creating and connecting and feeling, which is, in the background processes of my mind, sparking other impulses – to sit long enough to draw forth the Faithful Light.  Stop this tarantella and begin again with the work I was sharing with my therapist.

Look in the mirror.  Drink the water you want to drink.  Stretch these bent muscles taut.   Make a checklist and stick around to check things off of it.  Put things away after you use them, right then, don’t think, don’t question, don’t let the muscles pull you into the drowning currents.

It’s Friday tomorrow, and in a week, a big work event that I am not entirely sure we’re ready for.  I am trying to recall the first year in my prior job and how it always felt like I was off and forgetting and unprepared and I got through eight of those and eventually came to a point of some competence.   I feel a shakiness that I know, in part, is just a response to that surge of thinking I knew what I was doing and driving and focus and going downtown.  It is two steps back I’m trying to forestall and just take the one. That would be good.