New post, new day. Seems a waste to spend it talking about the mystery of the decapitated pig’s head I saw on a walk well over ten years ago which was my idea when I drove by the spot on my way home today.
My sister is out doing her job for a bit and I have my fans on and the sky is clouding up and I feel a bit of peace at the moment. I’ve done good by the diet today. I’m considering how my staying up so late impacts my hunger pattern and how if I make sure I’m taking care of food and sleep, things are just generally going to be better.
Nothing’s perfect, I mean. I still sit here, after my dinner of zucchini and sausage, after my lunch of turkey, ham, red bell pepper, and cheddar cheese, after my shake for breakfast, and think, goddamn, I would love to make myself a waffle right now. Even if yesterday, when I placed no restrictions on myself, I didn’t want one because I just didn’t want one. But I’m doing something and I’ll get some water in a minute, get back on the bike and give it another ten minutes like I did this morning. It’s something. It’s not Extreme Makeover: Your Humble Human Form Edition. It’s just what I can think of do and not fixating on its correctness or completeness as a method yet. I am trying to both maintain and completely eradicate the thought that is running through my head that I would like to be crazy about this diet, like scare everyone obsessive. Because that’s OBVIOUSLY a stupid idea, but the root of being sincere and approaching it with the outcome in mind, isn’t. Being less…it’ll happen eventually, less laissez-faire about the whole thing is where I need to get to make this work.
Because the world works in mysterious fucking ways.
A friend from years ago, mourned and moved away to Texas, turned up today. Today was one of those days where I said, quite literally, fuck it, nobody’s going to care about whether I wear makeup. And he shows up out of the blue smiling, talking about how he needs a Colorado girlfriend to give him a reason to come back here. And I, despite knowing our basic incompatibility, (he’s here for a giant three day hike with his family) got a bit giddy with him smiling and me smiling back and making up the fiction that these things were corresponding. I didn’t even mind that the whole yenta approach of my co-worker who has this idea that she can just tell him my name enough times and we’ll announce our impending marriage. It was just nice to be in the running.
And then I had a meeting with an ad rep guy all on my lonesome which was fine, surreal, but fine. And I felt kind of fearless about it because what the fuck do I care, girl with food in her belly, shit together that I am (hah!) And now the guy who finds me awesome, terrifying, also, finds me cute. Even if it’s another pre-curdled situation and I don’t trust a thing he says, most particularly that. This is a plenitude of ego-stimulation and I frankly, am going with it.
I will not throw my happiness into the forgetting room. Whether I deserve it or not, this is what I have right now. This is what I’m working for.