Baby Bully

sunset-on-glass-1441481-1279x927 (1)Today we celebrated Mom’s birthday. Hopefully, she agrees. A bit of cake and dinner and we did a puzzle, walked the flying canine paroxysms and I, obviously, was incredibly amusing. From what I can tell, there’s an overall positive cast on my mom’s health situation right now and so whatever combination of medicine, mojo, magic, luck, well-wishes and prayers is flowing through right now, it can just keep on flowing.


I have discovered the horizontal line.


I mean, I knew dividers existed, I just didn’t think about how valuable it might be in terms of reflecting my scattershot, stream-of conscious style of word vomit in a way that might slightly add clarity.


A to-do list.

  1. Get up early enough to find your goddamned glasses.  If nothing else occurs tomorrow, this is bar-none, unavoidable, top priority.  It’s way too dark in here and I’m blind as a bat to look now, but fuck, I need to have usable vision in the morning.  I have no idea where they ended up between yesterday and today, but oy. Gotta sell those dresses and be able to read the sizes on them.
  2. Go to bed early enough to handle getting up just that brief bit early without visceral hatred in your heart about it.  Get up early enough to wear some makeup and have an outfit on that you don’t absolutely hate.  Find those sandals!
  3. Deposit your darling, precious loving secondary paycheck. Maybe put a deposit down on your magical necklace, but don’t go crazy thinking you have money cause you don’t.
  4. Make a list of shit you gotta pay and see what can be done about paying it.
  5. Get at least five of these water bottles filled and in the freezer and the rest of them to recycling so they stop solemnly staring at you with their half-empty, half-full visual metaphoric aggression.
  6. Wash this hair and buy some box dye to take care of these hateful roots.  It’s going to be a hell of a long time till you can justify a $150 salon price tag, long enough that whatever shameful attempt you make to correct these dark brown six-inch roots attached to the rest of your bleached blonde head will grow out, too.
  7. Figure out a healthy option for lunch and dinner and eat those things – it can be imperfect, but we gotta halt this gratuitous crap train that we’re on.  Don’t let yourself get any further than healthy option.  Use your hour off.  Thinking about maybe making an actual grocery list and making some actual food to take as a sack lunch.  Buy some brown paper bags, maybe?
  8. Work as hard as you can on ignoring your phone and the impulse to refresh to see if the Correspondence continues or what is up.  Because nothing is up and life will go on and you already have at least eight things to worry about.  Disappointment about that is blocking other energies.  You can feel it.
  9. Let imperfect people, situations, conversations, performances, behaviors, results go.

The Kitsune’s Wedding

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Start a new DragonRealms game
The longer I can stay away, the better.
Play Cities: Skylines
Keep playing Dragon Age: Inquisition
Work on my obnoxiously long and unnecessary fanfiction

Catch up with Game of Thrones (the show…there’s little chance of being caught up by the time season 5 rolls out, though)
Read more of For Richer or Poorer
Reading is the best, most wonderful activity I’ve ever experienced.  It’s like exercise, every time I do it, I feel better, righter, more aligned with the universe and who I am supposed to be.  And Victoria Coren Mitchell is a wonderful writer who talks about precisely what I need her to talk about: synchronicity, nostalgia, luck.
Start watching Vikings
Watch/re-watch any and all Outsidexbox videos 
One is probably enough given the quantity I have consumed of late.
Clean my room
Buy book the therapist suggested
Yes.  Bought.  Reading it.  Trying to make myself willing to take its advice. Avoided buying a nearly twenty dollar book of writing prompts just because I could.  I think I have enough to do to finish what I’ve already attempted to begin.
Write a poem
Watch something odd on the Create channel
Some Bob Ross imitator is downright giddy about his bland peony paintings.

Do 1000 loads of laundry
Make playlists on YouTube/ITunes
Write a proper note to my friends who have written me
Take another dose of amoxicillin
Done.  I am already starting to sicken of applesauce, however.

Catch up on Downton Abbey and Mr. Selfridge
Well, I’ve at least started season 3 of Mr. Selfridge, mainly for the LeTowler.  The show, thus far, not so excellent, but ah, the LeTowler!
Watch QI/British Panel shows
Play Bejeweled until I am completely numb
Not so immediately interested in numbness.
Vacuum
Keep playing my Mass Effect 3 playthrough
Tweet/Skype with my friends
Do my hair and makeup
Did, at least the makeup, the hair was just a ponytail that now has sprouted into an unwieldy and Tawny Kitaen in the 80’s style      mane. Had a few brief moments of thinking I didn’t look awful now that my face has lost 10% of its unnaturally reddish skin tone.
Laughing!
Not enough to qualify, only a giggle.

Paint my nails
Exercise for 15 minutes like I told the nurse I typically do one to two times a week

Choke down another serving-sized bowl of applesauce
Ugh, the worst.
Go to the bank and make a deposit
Go shopping for a spring, eastery dress because I’m in the mood for one.
Bought a bright, garish yellow skirt because I wanted to visually express a better mood.  I have this mental conception of an embodiment of joy and every now and then when she presents herself (she looks a bit like a cross between Jean Harlow and Grace Kelly with this nimbus of glowing blonde hair and she always wears yellow)
Order Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab imps
Maybe work on the novel.  Maybe.
Do a Tarot reading
Catch up on Outlander
Be present for the death of a wasp.
I would not like to go in the same way it did.  My word!

On: Day Two Hundred Eighty-Eight

colorful fruit lemon lime and orange

  • Copy my passport
  • Call the bank
  • Eyebrow wax
  • Pack my luggage
  • Empty bag
  • Finish Meetup info

Maybe as I type away I will gather up some desire to do the things I’m listing, the things I claim to want to do.  I do want to do – I gotta check my self-talk lately – I just am overwhelmed by the amorphous shape this need to accomplish is taking.  The rest of October is a handful of blubber.

No boss today meant I could both work away and feel slightly more at ease, which I don’t know if it’s good right now to take any kind of ease because everyone is telling me that it’s important for me just to get done what I can get done and then bug the fuck out because it’s not my problem anymore.  But that doesn’t seem fair to the poor boy or girl who is left in the dust with zero instructions on how to generate mass emails and fixing the website and producing the reports and logging into websites they don’t know exist to order things they don’t know we need.

I guess writing it down makes me feel a bit silly.  Of course, you type it out and you think a sensible modern person could figure this out, I could leave them resources of people to talk to and they could, along with current boss, sort out what has to be done, when.  I just imagine them cursing my name.  And I guess my lesson here, the one I’m sitting in bed with a project that used to take me three weeks and I am going to somehow turn in tomorrow having spent less than half a day on, is that I’m done.  And they will have to figure things out without me.  They have to solve the questions I solved without telling them.

Because if someone beautiful and lovely decided to meet me and we mutually decided to fall in love and run away to an even more foreign clime than I’ve yet discovered, there can’t be anything standing in the way of that.  I would blow it all to hell for that sort of connection and care.  And apparently, for even less, because I swore I couldn’t leave unless things were perfect.  I told my therapist I would never, ever do that.  And yet, you do.  I did.  Because I wasn’t going to let the opportunity go by and leave me here to drown.  Empirically, I am not better than that, and at the same time, I feel so elevated and nourished by taking care of myself even if I make life hard for others that there is something moral in it.  This is the imperfect tunnel I am clawing and crawling through that will take me up to the light and I’m not going to stay in the dark just because I have to kick up some dirt to get there.

Sorry, rambling.  Not anywhere closer to being packed or getting myself calmed down before bed.

It will be okay.

Everybody Wants to Rule the World: Day Thirty-Nine

Sunday is burning its last few inches of wick.

I am happy.

I have used pockets of time well today.

I’ve set some clothing out for tomorrow.  I’m going to plan my food for tomorrow.  I’ve set my alarm.  I’ve drunk some water.  I’ve worn my pedometer. I’ve spent 10 minutes on the bike.  I’ve cleaned up in the bathroom.   I’ve finished the last run on Bioshock Infinite and am working on the DLC.  The roads can do as they like because it’s been warm enough that some snow tonight won’t make them impassable.  Not for me and Suzy Suzuki, the pearly mountain goat I drive around in.  I was not sick on shakes or anything else.

Instead of dreading, I’m organizing.

At least for today.

Tonight – shower, have something else to eat that is small, perhaps some more popcorn – which I will come to in a second here, blow out the candles

Tomorrow morning – 10 minutes on the bike
Drink my shake before I go
Finish my makeup before I go instead of trying to tell myself I’ll have time to do it at work.
Bring a bag of trash down to the dumpster before I go to work
Leave at 7:45 rather than 8:00a.m. so as to have two moments to think.
Go to the grocery store and buy food for dinner that is healthy and that I’m willing to make after a long day.  (Not pizza.)
Stand up and walk around while thinking.  Try and get 5000 steps in.
Sign up for a massage on Sunday.
Remember dodgeball because God knows I’d like to forget about it.

…..

Tomorrow night I’m going to start on my vacation budget.  I have some money set aside since my friend and I have started talking about this, but I have got to start doing a lot more research since even though I get to stay somewhere for free, I both don’t want to be a burden and take advantage of the fact that I’m going to Italy.   My thought is to stay overnight in Florence.   At any rate, there’s just a lot more thinking to do on how to make all of this happen.  Though a key part of being excited about it is feeling comfortable in self so…I’m working on that, foodwise, exercise, lifestyle change-wise.  Whatever the road is, the destination is the feeling.  The destination is the pride I’d like to have and currently don’t.  So I’m doing more low-carb, but an imperfect version, for a few days, anyway.  Fuck, I really don’t even want to talk about it, because I feel guilty and then I feel annoyed and then I feel self-righteous and then I feel like the only way anything happens is from ground zero, day one and I destroy everything I’ve got to get back there.  That’s the cycle I need most to break.  So imperfection is accepted and assumed.   Still doesn’t mean I can’t exercise and try and build in some better habits and seduce the positive rather than eschew the negative.   And yes, you can embroider that on a throw pillow for me, please.

 

That Twinge

I am in desperate need of a list.  And this space, this malleable monster, will have to suffice once again.  Because I am off to the conference tomorrow and am also kinda sorta in the midst of some crazy blood sugar, oversleeping, need to get the hell back on low-carb again, emotional meltdown and it would not be awesome to not have clothes to wear tomorrow or…I mean, the day after.

Whatever.

Here’s what we need:

-Get the laptop in its bag with the plug.  Hope that it doesn’t die over the weekend.

-Get the phone charged and bring the charger.  Hope the charger cord doesn’t fray completely and set anything on fire or the phone’s display doesn’t completely go to white over the weekend.

– A genuine Ben Wyatt to say adorable things about us as we get ready.

-Some kind of travel shampoo and conditioner.  My dying end of a tube of toothpaste and my electric toothbrush that may or may not bite it by the end of the weekend.

-Clothing for tomorrow and clothing for Saturday that I won’t mind wearing while I sit all day in a mind-numbing seminar/meeting.

-Comfortable shoes.  Remember that!

-A book, just one, for the brief moments when I am not full-on extrovert.

-Makeup bag, hairbrush, BPAL.  Bra, socks, underwear.  Damn straight I’m not afraid of putting things forever on the internet where anyone can know them.  Stuff to wash the crap off my face that I’ve slathered all over it.

-Ideally, make a new mix CD, but that’s not likely to happen, so headphones, if you can somehow find some, in hopes you’ll be allowed to listen to some music and not have to make conversation in the car ride down there.

-Figure out why you’re so amped up to not talk to anyone?  Oh, probably why because you already know you’ll be mined for information and gossip and that shit never turns out well.

-Drink some more water and start working on getting rid of this aggressive and terrible feeling of bloat that is one small percentage of your giant rage-boner that you’ve got going right now.

-Take a moment.  Seriously.  You are going a bit berserko today and I can’t quite figure out why.  Frederick is on his way out.  Things are not great at work, still have the hammer over your head but it’s the same hammer, and you have all these tools and techniques of ways to deal with this rather than sort of being manic depressive about intangible stuff.  Especially since last night you felt kind of ordered about things.  I know you can’t control every reaction, dear self, but you felt really good after watching that TED Talk and remembering the value of academic thought and how much more flexible you are in life when you’re in that place of good food, good thought, good sleep, good energy.  Don’t back yourself away from what you need and are entitled to on the basis of calendar dates.

I mean…this’ll be fun, goddamnit.

Shakabuku

Perhaps, today, in addition to not dropping sentences, I will also not fail to put question marks at the end of sentences where they are required.

I am going to be positive and say that I will put question marks where necessary.

Hello to the new followers.  You are in for a hilariously boring ride!

I feel right now the opposite of how I woke up (aching, stiff, disoriented and pissed off due to some happening in a dream that I cannot remember for the life of me.)  I feel positive.  I feel a sense of get up and go.  So much so that I’m sitting down and doing this post to organize me and remind myself of Friday’s post and the things I wanted to accomplish.

Exercise plans for today

-Do the first day of the WiiActive workout
-Do 10 minutes on the bike.
-Track steps and get over 10,000 again today.

Food plans for today

-Track everything (I’m using SparkPeople, because even though it’s a little bit difficult as a low-carb person, it has everything and I don’t have to input food nutritional information since it typically already has them in its database so here’s my sparkpeople page.  There, you can see if I’m actually doing what I’ve planned or if I’ve fallen to the wayside yet again and hopefully, if that was the case, you’d be so kind as to give me a bit of shakabuku.

-Drink my liter of water
-Have some eggs for lunch
-Find a good, low-carb chicken-based recipe for dinner
-Eat some vegetables in actual notable quantities.

Other things
-Now that the room is straightened, work in a few specific areas to make them actually clean versus just generally not Pompeii.
-Pick up the guitar, scab up those fingers
-Crack a book for research purposes
-Work on the Annie playlist
-Stay away from clicking and re-clicking on facebook, tumblr, and twitter and doing nothing else.
-Listen to Mumford and Sons
-Write the dude
-Get to Costco and buy some litter
-Have the ceremony
-Vacuum!
-Give myself a break as it’s only one day and I’m proud of myself for having good vibes and not being a sobby, soppy, pile of human goop that has to be scraped via putty knife and splattered on the canvas of the world.

So, yes, I would like to not be so impossibly boring as to use this blog and its most elegant intentions as simply a way to make lists, but I need focus.  I need consistency.  I need habit and I need to be alerted, constantly, as to what I actually want.  That I don’t want to lay here and stare at Tri-Peaks Solitaire until my eyes bleed.  That I do want to get some sunshine on my arms and legs.  That I do want to have social interactions with people in reality and I do want to get moving and build on my efforts.   I apologize if you hope for something other than that for me, but I do a lot for other people and this, this is for me.

Un Diabolo Menthe et Un Buche de Noel

Mmm.  I would really like to be drinking one right now.  A nice diabolical devil with a sugary mint thread running through it, melting down my throat.  I have some more Midori, but I don’t think it’s a great plan to do shots of that.  And I have said no sweets and I’ve stuck to it, though I don’t think that would count.  I wouldn’t count it, anyway, if I was to do it.  Which I’m not.

I am not behaving, but I’ve sort of justified it and manipulated it in my head so that it’s fine.  And it’s fine.  Just like that.  Zen rationalization.

I have to get going tonight.  I slipped out early after having a long lunch a volunteer bought for myself and a co-worker, but I need to get a few things done tonight and not just lapse into dissolution once again.  Last night I watched the really epic and wonderful Mumford and Sons’ live stream concert from Seattle and I was so excited for it that I just internetted until it happened and then went to bed.   So a lot of things went by the wayside and I woke up with my stomach in knots like I’d done a thousand situps before bed.  (I definitely didn’t.)  I don’t want to curry favor with the Ulcer Gods, so I have to get myself situated and as soon as I’m done writing to you fine-fettled folk:

A.  write Christmas cards to the luffly ladies I’m going to see in Florida next spring.   Make terrible and shameful jokes all over them so they can’t show the cards to anyone.

B.  practice the guitar.  Missed it last night.   Have to be home during daylight hours so I can strum like the good lord intended.  Gotta clip my nails first though.

C. take a long, luxuriant, actually hot bath.   Stay in there until moral clarity is achieved or my skin falls off in sheathes like wallpaper.

D.  answer some emails.  Like past due library books and overdue bandages, best to just rip them off or turn them in.  Or vice versa.   Best to self-actualize.

E.  drink some more chilled water and stave off getting the crud.  The crud apparently is walking about on two legs nowadays, having evolved, and will soon be driving cars and chasing down werewolves and hirsute men in general and will cruelly be forcing them into oil barrels which will explode and kill them.  Fucking crud.

F.  Write?  I kinda sorta had an idea.  I should kinda sorta be in service to the idea.  That’s kind of what a writer does, on one level.  I at least wrote down the essence so that it won’t completely be obliterated once I go to sleep.

G.  Listen to Answer Me This.  Possibly combine that with the bathtub situation which I realize as I’m typing is so weird for me to blog about, but I had this great post on this other blog that I can’t access anymore unless I want to give them five dollars and I don’t, about the solemnity and religiosity of bathtime ritual

H.  OH, watch Parks and Recreation.

I.  Become one degree less annoying because seriously, I am becoming unacceptable.