I owe a lot of words. A fair wheelbarrow full of words. Days upon days of not telling you the cut of my jib.
I apologize and am going to start making up for it. I came home straight away from work and took a shower, just to get my own deep and yet ever-incipient blehness off. Or at least the top layer of it. Really, I thought, in my way, in my way that eight years or more years of writing has yet to cure me of, I can just get by with a handful of hours of sleep. I can take the shower in the morning. A little more time to game. A little more time in the world of make-believe. Someone else’s make-believe, mind.
The morning, this Priestess of the Holy Dawn discovers, only entails rapture for those who drag themselves up to meet it. And I was in no fit state to drag myself anywhere. Just a tragic gamer mess desperate for one more hour when there wasn’t one more to be had at 6:40 in the a.m. The girlness was incidental. But I felt sure that as bad as the hair was, as unctuous and displeasing as it appeared, I could at least mitigate the situation with my makeup bag. The one I regularly leave in my car for just such a purpose.
Well, clever me, clever girl, unfit but dragged down to the parking lot, the Priestess makes a second discovery: no makeup bag. Then she and I have to make a quick decision, right on the spot. Go back up and spend 2 minutes looking for it and possibly be a few minutes later and have to do it at my desk which is not either of our favorites…or just go and assume nobody in this vast Vampire Factory will ever turn their head in my direction.
Have you any doubt as to which the Priestess and I selected as our professional behavior for the day? I swear, I must have looked like death scraped up and served on toast. Just frightful. And this is the day that so many new things and new people had to be met.
So I came home as quickly as I could and am determined to get some sort of color on my zombie face tomorrow. The lesson to all of this is that if I don’t pull myself away to handle my shit, it catches up with me. And embarrasses me even when I swear I don’t care and it doesn’t matter. And the game will still be there. Everything will still be there, I lose nothing to take care of what I need to take care of.
More in an upcoming post as to how the diet is going (not not well, huzzah!), just suffice to say that I’ve been dumb about thinking the world will suddenly bend for me. Maybe for as long as you have ever known of me. Maybe longer yet. And I’m not about to wise up. But I can stop being so damned stupid.