I am suddenly reminded that there is cheese in my purse.
Well, it is a remnant of a day of digging in. I didn’t have to go into the office, but I did, just because there were so many emails that needed to be sent, so many checks to be organized, so many applications to process, so much to just preside over that even though I worked from 10:30am-4:00pm, I don’t feel I made much of a dent. So much so I grabbed a box of paperwork and brought it home with me. I don’t know if I’ll touch it tomorrow. I know I should. But I kind of feel like I beat back the dragon with all my might today so tomorrow it can serve me up in a fricassee.
I also did not do Mildred’s bidding. Mildred, who is, in essence rather a Gollum-like character, rubbed her hands together and thought that she could convince me in some roundabout way to get really screwed up on the diet. I was in the office with the door shut all by my lonesome. It could easily have been an opportunity to get a big yeasty, carby something and get it down my gullet. But. I kept thinking about how maybe the way to stop getting the same results was to do the exact opposite of what I’d usually do in these situations and instead of going through the drive-through, I went back to the grocery store and got the said cheese and peanuts and some water. Unfortunately, it wasn’t sufficient to sustain me all day so when I finally released myself from my administrative bonds, I went and got some chicken wings and inhaled them as though they’d been molded from ambrosia. Mildred was alright with that. And I thought it was a decent enough compromise instead of all the other options I had been contemplating. I was sort of astonished at my own willpower because it seems like every day I need a fresh convincing that I’m at all interested in doing this.
And maybe the email had something to do with it. It had just one line that made you wonder and that wonder was enough to make me smile and rather ignore the ambivalence the dog whoso do list to hunt inspires in me. I feel a bit a’tangled about it. It feels like marching across a marsh without a map and at this point I can still see the steps I took in, but the swamp is filling them in quickly and soon there’s just getting lost whether you go forward or backward. So we just slosh and squeal as we feel the water seep in through boots that were never waterproofed. For we always planned to go places where roads run.
And there’s another email from someone else. Honestly, universe, you can chuck them at me all you want, someday the right one will stick.
And I thank you for moving that dog out of the way of my car.