Watching:  Tried Ripper Street and it was a bit too straightforward for me.  Fell in and out of a couple of MST3Ks and Rifftrax episodes which I love but don’t require anything from me beyond that.  Have wound up watching Edwardian Country House/Manor House which I watched when it was originally out on PBS and probably have watched again and mentioned here at some point or another.

Doing:  Not so very much doing today. I do need to sort out how to get myself exercising – I’m getting to that point in the dieting cycle where there’s been a bit of weight loss.  Just enough that I can feel a difference in some places,  while not in others.  Just enough where I see a trajectory.  The way to work on this belly is to get myself moving enough that there’s any hope of it melting a bit.  Right now, I don’t have anything happening that is intended for that purpose.

Thinking: We talked three times today.   Once whilst laying in my childhood bedroom. Strange how he can say a thing like how he misses me and I can feel it at so many different layers and points of meaning at the same time.  He misses me and I miss him and it is a patent fact given our closeness, given everything we’ve shared over the now going on eight months.  He misses me and I miss him and neither of us has any real, specific clue as to what exactly we are missing.   How can we, living so far apart, a photo here, a video there.  He misses me and I don’t know yet about what missing entails, what that longing that comes coupled to knowing.  I’ve been through the painful stretching process of missing things that were half-invented anyway.  I’m only just learning what is to connect to someone deeply.  There are no watermarks, no tracing lines.  We just do what we do as we do it.  Still, I thought with yesterday…I’m afraid I have to be vague here for my own sense of propriety…that we could just sail along being in that delirium.  That particular brand of delirium that I seem to crave of late. And today, there was kindness and sweetness and being called beautiful even without makeup, and I am glad of all of that…but…well, I suppose it would get old in its way if you just…

Still.  It is all these things at once.

Eating:  the low-carb continues.  I thought that there might have been some pizza thrown in my path this weekend, but there was not.  So I now have kept going, and I do feel endlessly better when I am eating this way.  It’s situated enough now to be able to tell the significant difference in just…brain function.  I feel more able to sit down and write a page up, I must say, than I do when I’m swirling through sucrose overdose.  I’ve felt alright, and I don’t want to give that up, so the hunt for the next two or three pounds of this weight loss continues.


Repeat the Sounding Joy

In an effort to prod myself into some degree of activity, I am doing this post midday.  This means I am posting before there is anything that has happened to post about that and as that will surely impact the quality of this post, I am adding this disclaimer which will indemnify myself from any ill-effects you may receive or observe as a result of reading a post which will amount to little more than a literary black hole.

That said, I have done a few things.  I am dressed, to a degree, even if said dress is actually a salmon colored sweater and onion-skin thin exercise pants which I think I’m wearing to keep my legs warm if and when we do venture out for a walk to the restaurant around the corner.   I go back on forth as to whether or not that’s a good plan.  Then I remember I have a coupon and they have hot pizza and booze at this place and  it seems like a really tremendous idea.  I have snow boots and a scarf, I can walk to the moon if necessary.

Here’s the thing.  I can manage not eating sweets.  I can manage to not buy chocolate chips and flour and baking powder and I can manage to not make cookies.   I can focus on that and I’ve been able to do that since the 29th really well.  I’ve blown off doughnuts and I even the caramel apples I’ve been craving.  I’ve been able to do that on top of not drinking pop.  The snowflake has rolled that far, but I don’t think I can call it a snowball yet and start on either of two paths: low carb induction or tracking and doing low calorie sparkpeopling.  I know that I’ll derail the whole train.  Already we have the traditional staff lunch at the fancy restaurant.  I haven’t decided what I’ll do in regards to the dessert tray which always includes creme brulee, chocolate mousse, cheesecake, peppermint cake, and something else I’m forgetting in the haze of the thought of all that sugar.  But whether or not I can excuse myself from those desserts, if I can’t even eat the lunch, I just think I’ll be really grumpy and use that to justify some other binge.  I’d like to say it could be otherwise, but that doesn’t seem realistic.  So I guess my food plan is, keep on saying no to desserts and pop, and try and eat with some degree of awareness as we pass through the holidays and get a new year’s plan together.  Because I do want to lose weight.  I look at my face and body and I think it would be better, I’d feel better, sleep better, I’d feel less self-conscious, less Michelin Man, less angry about my fate, more in control, less frustrated about opportunities that come my way.  It would feel like reminding my brain that I want more than a coccoon.  So, that’s the state of that union.  Yeah.  Time to walk.

Trippingly: Day 16

All I can do is believe in the eventualities of time.

Just as an fyi, because I don’t know that I’ve been using the greater portion of these posts to delineate this, but I haven’t been fucking up.  I really haven’t been.  I haven’t been secretly having burritos at the mexican restaurant our staff haunts, I haven’t been sneaking bits of bread or crackers at the ribbon cuttings.  I haven’t been blowing off breakfast.  I haven’t been laying around.  I just haven’t been doing the wrong things, but unfortunately, I haven’t been doing enough of the right things with enough vigor and zest, I guess.

My zest is going to be at a premium for the next three months, but I am determined and have shown some small proof to myself today, not to be swept once more into the event undertoad.  It drags you down and suddenly, you can’t think straight and you can’t do your usual routine.  You have to SURVIVE.   You have to deal with these twelve hour days and the ineptitude of everyone around you and your own serious ineptitudes on top of your flagging spirit and food always sounds like the right answer in that situation.  And luckily, at the speed I’m going right now, food doesn’t sound like anything but one more act on the to-do list.

So, that’s the status report detail you probably were not looking for.   I just felt like I should give it given that as sure as I am that I will get to my goal by June 15 – at the moment, it kind of looks like I’m dicking around.  I want to assure the powers that be, and of course and as always myself, that I’m not just dicking around.  I’m caring!  I’m being faithful and true! So in the end, given time, I’ll be exactly where I need to be.

On another note, I wrote last night and it was actually fun.  It’s probably going to be one of the more critical moments in the book however the book actually shapes itself, and I feel like the beats aren’t perfect, aren’t sharp, but they’re emerging.  It’s a decently shitty rough draft and writing that section which I always considered too…controversial for me to be able to encapsulate or to even try writing because I’d write rings around it and not the it – itself – of an inappropriate desire for an inappropriate relationship rearing its head.  And I got close.  Didn’t get it exactly right and there’s not the subtlety or nuance that will shade it once it’s settled in its context, but, I’m in the same hemisphere now.  This is a good, encouraging thing.

Another ball to keep up in the air.

Um, I don’t know what else to say.  Going to walk about a bit and exercise somehow.  Get on the bike and stare into the center of oblivion or find a way to kill Warren on Walk It Out with my bare hands.

Smooth, easy ride, kids.  It’s a smooth, easy ride.

Today: 160 on the nose
Yesterday: 160.2
Goal: 155 by June 15