An Cat Dubh



I am doing pretty okay, considering and am now trying to decide if my mouth has mutinied.  I had a discussion about my sister about jaw clenching and how I’d been feeling like I’d been doing it lately but was relaxing and it was going away.  Now the whole thing feels sore and there’s a big discomfort and pressure when I move my mouth a certain way and I feel panicked and stressed DEFCON 11.   It was demonstrably fine all day and now, oh my gosh, broken.

I have also freaked out once today that my tongue was broken so…I am kind of taking everything with a grain of salt.  Kind of.

This is, if we’re paying attention, and I am so trying to now, one of the hard places where I in the past have just thrown up my hands when facing its challenges. In this case, it’s a health thing and a money thing.  I’m freaked out because something doesn’t feel right, I’m thinking the insurance is all questionable, and I feel insecure about dealing with what I need to do to get that squared so that I can get in if it becomes essential (I’m due for my appointment in a month or so) (I think).

But I am going to see what I can do about that.   I am at least going to give them a proper going-over with the toothbrush and letting myself relax where I can.

Tonight, I’ve actually gotten some cleaning done.  Got my desk cleared off and cleaned up.  This has been a task I needed to do, but also, it’s me wanting to not think about our dear sweet Madi (I think of it as spelled Maddie, but I have long since been overruled on this point and she was not, in the final analysis, my cat.)   We had to put her to sleep today.  My sister nursed that poor thing in the last few months of her life when a throat tumor at 16 overwhelmed the little thing.  She was small, even on kitty cat terms, having been feral and trapped in a trailer in Oklahoma before turning up in a cat rescue where our friend worked.  We were visiting her and, if I recall, going to A-Kon in Dallas for my sister and her friend to appreciate anime and for me to go any new place I hadn’t been before.  On the way back, we or…perhaps, I, was not planning on having any unexpected travelling companions.  My sister decided to bring home this black cat who had been at the cat rescue for two years.  I thought there had to be something wrong with her if nobody wanted her and wasn’t clear on why we should be the people to change that.  I remember being faintly testy about the whole arrangement, while my sister was totally clear.

But still, there she was, in the back in a cat carrier, crying in a desperate, mechanical music box voice as we drove under a billowing storm somewhere around Limon.  I was studying Gaelic at the time.  Half-studying, a dilettante, really.  As a means of distraction against the idea that we might all be blown to bits in some unforeseen tornado, we were tossing around names for this displeased creature.  I said madra was Irish for cat so we could call her that and shorten it to Maddie.  Turns out, with the sort of check that Google would have taken care of were we getting her today, that madra means dog.  And cat’s just cat, pronounced with a lovely Irish inflection.

But things stuck.  The cat stuck.  And she became a loyal, pleasant, jealous, good little house cat.  She didn’t want anything, but to be loved and so she was.  Until we had to say goodbye.

So today had that rough bit in it.  But we knew it had to happen, and so, here we are.  I feel the energy gone in the house, the change.  There’s just the one cat, my Lilybean, remaining.  I feel there was a gift in the compassion and love she engendered in us, and now in the psychic space that has been stretched wider as she’s gone.

More to say, but we’ll find a way to say it later.


It’s Not Like I Believe in Everlasting Love

Strange when you want most to go up, you end up going, racing downward.

My teeth are beyond sensitive.  It’s driving me a little bit mad and at the least, making me rather testy.   My cheekpocket feels a lot better, but golly

All I can think is I need an entirely new re-invented self.  All I can think is I need to pull together a fresher fresh start.  All I can think is that I need to have something happen for me.  All I can think is that it doesn’t matter how incapable I have been, when now, now I’m suddenly perfectly capable.  All I can think is how that’s bullshit, but I can’t let it stop me anyway.    All I can think is how little I think at all.  All I can think is that I am talking and talking and talking and nobody is listening to me.  All I can think is that I am going nowhere at all.  All I hear is negative, no no no aaaaaah!

There’s got to be a spark of passion.

I speak because I can to anyone I trust enough to listen.
I am really in quite a state.  I wonder if you are about to notice.  If you are about or if the walls keep these missives.  If you are just a pile of code that says it likes my pain without knowing what it is.  I am a saltwater generator.  I am a broken mouth.  I am shaken a bit at the root and it isn’t sure what will carry on for spring or if the winter will just take me with the annuals.    I wish there were some sea nearby to run into.  Or to at least make the claim I would.
My mother tells me not to tell her I am upset or else it will worry her and she won’t sleep.   I wonder who to tell.  I am upset always, at least some phalange, some metatarsal bone is thrown off is given to this sadness that I am failing myself.  That I am trodding the same rut, the same ground, the same damned words.  The red and the white that drags me down.  I know that I need to listen better, to give up talking, take up doing.   I need to care less about the absences in my own life and more about trying to help others fill theirs.  I know all that, but still this green and slimy selfishness holds me.  A shambling mound.
I think I need an actual vent and not just a word-count based burp.
There’s never an appropriate time to get yourself worked up.  There’s never a booth on the street corner where people gather you up in their arms. Instead, Reefer Madness, a PO box key on my key ring, buying some Sensodyne, attempting to connect with my friends.  Trying to tear the prongs out of my mind and out of my belly.  Play the guitar tomorrow? Read?  Lay in the dirt and wait?