Today I didn’t have lunch until 2:30pm. I didn’t even break away for lunch until then because the co-workers and boss were at a funeral and I am so snowed under that I just was working, at breakneck speed even, until my hunger became too sharp to ignore. So I gathered myself and got my deposit ready and went to the bank and all the way the big, hairy knotted hunger started its crazy talk. Started telling me things about myself that an inanimate craving couldn’t know. And it started trying to get me to break with all the usual reasons: You are so hungry that you can only remotely be helped by a hamburger and fries. You could totally just start over tomorrow. For gods’ sake, it’s Monday. Those loud, antsy, near-frantic clamberings all over my psyche. We need a Starbucks! We need Chipotle! We just need something other than what you want to eat. We need to upset this apple cart right now.
So outlandish were these manipulations, I was able to stride into the deli, order and feel great. Smug, even. I got a big cobb salad with avocado and egg and did my best to eat it at my desk while still working. I stayed an hour late to finish the edits on the webpage that I needed to do. I gave it my all, even if it wasn’t remotely enough.
And this morning, after spending all night intermittently sleeping and awaking to wig out over the release information for Babel, Mumford’s upcoming album, I got on the bike for 10 minutes. After work, after I drove us properly to the store and back without maiming any citizenry, I did my situps and I did walk two miles.
Not perfect. Not baby body-builder shit, but something. Movement. Air in the old lungs. But I did it. So hah. I am just so glad I didn’t give into the desire to fall off the wagon. How would it not take me less than half a second to regret it? Even if my legs are itching under the weight of the laptop. Gotta go find that muscle rub once I’m through.
I wish to be more eloquent with you of late. Talking about the process of weight loss isn’t exactly romantic. The details, pounds up or down, the meals, this micro-management of what is carefree for others is monotonous and agonizing. I know that it is for me at least, I can only imagine what it’s like to sequentially read this. But it takes a lot of very careful, deliberate force to get this play-doh through the proverbial mold. Sorry, terrible analogy. I just have to pay attention right now. The daydreaming will come back in a flood.
I definitely need to be more zen.
Listening to Laura Marling’s Tiny Desk performance. That’s helping.
Weight today: 159.0.