There is now plenty of time for reconnecting with life as it is.
It will take me a moment to do that, though.
How strange, how deeply and fundamentally frustrating, that the impulse I have right now is to take the ennui of the past three hours and extrapolate that to the rest of my life. A life wherein, I am currently in a state of intense motivation and positive change and willingness. On a day when I was lavished with moments of genuine attention.
Here’s the bottom line. For me, for you, for everybody, birthdays can be rough.
This year, while I have caved somewhat to the emo, I refuse to give in to any nonsense weepiness or to take this forward with me into the 24th. I think the emo, in part, is just a reaction to the fact that my body’s realizing I’m pushing it. And parts of me are enjoying the push. Going from a very sedentary lifestyle, one that consisted primarily of rolling from my bed to car seat to chair to chair to car seat to bed, some parts of me are not. My legs are aching from this new regime – which isn’t much, just a few miles of walking a few days in a row or cycling…nothing that feels too intense in the doing of it, but it is the persistence of regular activity that which I think is making me feel the difference. I also need to do a better job of stretching before and after.
Today, after last night’s walking, I did more. Another two miles of kicking and waving your arms around and ostensibly burning the calories which would have otherwise just hung onto me. Imagine that. And then, after the cake and all the food which I am currently doing my best to track, we walked the dog for a bit and because of the earlier walking, I felt like I could just turbo my way around. I felt like I could go forever. And now, I ache more than before all the way up and down these gams.
This would formerly be a sign that I need to quit. Quit because it was painful (albeit so mildly painful that it’s almost indistinguishable from the basic twinges of daily life). Quit because something about this is not status quo. It’s change but not complete, perfect revolution. It’s just the work of work. The plodding of the plodding. The muscle is trembling and I am not holding it tight, softening around it, saying we don’t have to do anymore.
Because we do. Just not tonight.
And none of this is really what I need or want to say. What I need and want to say to the universe with its constant eavesdropping…is thank you. Thank you to my sister for making me an omelet for my breakfast and being so solicitous all day. Thank you to my friends near and far for acknowledging me and wishing me well. Thank you to the Faithful Light for suggesting that the best way to avoid trouble is to just say what I want to say and accept the chaotic nature of online repartee. Thank you to my younger sister for helping me split the birthday into something else, with a dinner out on Tuesday, which kind of creates a bit of an Extravaganza! Thank you to my mother for cooking things that felt special. Thank you to my father for being such an incredible dork that I feel looked after and cared about. Thank you to me for putting on a little makeup and finding those winter clothes I thought I lost. Thank you for the dutch oven and thank you for beginning already with answering the wish I made when I blew out my birthday candle…