I just have to vent. I have to do my five hundred words, too, so it may as well be a two birds, one stone shot at the heavens.
I am irritated because of a facebook message I just received and this is how I want to reply, but probably won’t because I am sane and want to keep things not about me and sending this screed in response will do nothing but inflame a situation.
The message was essentially to browbeat me for not coming over and seeing my mother today. The day that the sister came home from her whirlwind tour of New York and someone’s wedding in her boyfriends’ family. Apparently, I had been “paid” in her forgiving debts about our trip to Minnesota for my grandfather’s funeral by promising to spend every waking moment staring at my mother.
I didn’t do that. I did what my mother wanted and flowed in and out as much as I could. And the reason I couldn’t be sitting there watching TV next to her all the livelong day is because I am struggling as fuck right now to get my bills paid and to get myself in one piece and so I have to work six days a week, many of those on my feet, already knowing that it isn’t enough anyway. So when I turn up at my mom’s I am checking in, I am actively doing my best to turn off all of the shit I’m worrying about for me and to be present. I am asking her what is happening, I am listening as best I can and then I have to go. And after seeing her yesterday, after doing all of that, I just wanted to do these things I’ve been thinking about doing for weeks.
So this condescension that is dripping off this message…this idea that I blew off my mom and her CANCER is so goddamned frustrating. That she’s responsible for my mother’s emotions now and I am this massive jerk. All because she hadn’t been home for five minutes before she decided my mom was lonely today and I needed to feel shitty about that. Because she made slumgullion and we didn’t come over to eat it? My mom was capable of calling me to check in – we are capable of coming over tomorrow and eating it in the afternoon. I told her I wasn’t coming over! She said, oh, that’s fine! I had house stuff to do and I have been doing it, but apparently, we’re just going to disregard all of that and focus on the fact that my sister wants to control everything.
I have been there, I will be there, and I am tired. I am strong, but I just wanted one goddamned day to sleep in and fold clothes and play video games – and I had one, knowing from YESTERDAY MORNING that my mom was okay. My mom, who has always been a private person and is capable of being alone for 24 hours with her HUSBAND to look after her, was not going to die without me watching HGTV with her. I’m happy to do that. I like to do that. I have done and will do that. I didn’t do it today.
But the fact that she upended her whole life to be at home isn’t going to change one cancer cell. I’m just trying to get by right now, same as everyone else and I have devoted so much of myself to this family, to this sister and it was meaningless. It wasn’t needed or helpful. I have to look after me and the shit that is challenging and scaring me – part of that is my feelings about my mom, which are big and absorbing and overwhelming and real – but this is a long, long, long road and I can’t do it the way she insists it has to be done.
JUST STOP IT GODDAMNIT.