Seize

thorn-1622557-1920x1284Oddities.

I don’t know what to say about a day kept indoors.  It wasn’t purposeful, I just knew that if I left the house, I’d spend more than was absolutely necessary on food and tomorrow, I suspect, there will be some sort of Sunday Luncheon with the parents and right now, I can’t be out and about buying everything that comes to mind.  Speaking of that, the only thing that is coming to mind to write about is just whatever randomness has settled in my short-term memory and when that is expelled and depleted, I will turn back on my heels and dive head-first into my long-term memory where there may be one or two things that have yet to be mentioned on these here pages.

So, as noted a few days ago…a day ago, oh, damn that memory, the case of the mystery spots of blood has been solved.  It was the littlest, wee-est black cat.  She had been sent to hospital for half a minute and now the cat has been stitched up and she’s got a cone on her head to keep her from pulling them out, so that’s a positive situation.

I have done a bit of cleaning.  Hope to do a good day of it tomorrow.  No need for the little things to start living in corners when they have real homes. It is strange how I can go away for just a pair of nights and suddenly, my tray table becomes the home of every plastic bottle ever formed, every wrapper, every strange condiment I pulled from our spice cabinet for the melange of foodstuffs I found to cook in avoidance of going out to eat.  Strange, weird,  less than ideal is what I mean to say.  The Faithful Light as always has high hopes for my recovery – which is inevitable – but she would prefer it now rather than later.  I would like to amuse her by doing right again so soon after doing wrong.

I have finished Tiny Beautiful Things.  I wonder if I mentioned that yesterday.  What a perfect book.  I feel as though I could start re-reading it tomorrow and find it equally revelatory.

In some ways I do feel sharp as a woody branch of a rose bush, studded up with thorns and stay back glares.  It’s just today, I know.  It’s just this Saturday of recovery.  It’s just this being on my own.  It’s just this letting the embers cool on the story out of doubt.   It’s just this one more engagement photo.  It’s just this email thread.  It’s just this pound of sugar and this pound of flesh.

I am remembering Italy which was just less than a year ago.  I am remembering the magical, bitter espresso that for a time, destroyed all jet lag, all fear, all doubt.  I am remembering the awkward cobble stones under my feet.  I am remembering the Cafe of the Angels and their pasta with sesame seeds and creamy, buttery sauce.  I am remembering walking through the Garbatelle, keeping quiet because it was late.  I am remembering the holy echoes at St. John’s Cathedral.

 

Blanket Fort

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I am my own distraction tonight.  I have an idea about tomorrow and I will tell you about it if I wake up and actually do it because it sounds like a good one now when I’m newly ensconced in my pile of blankets and could drop off for sleep at any time if only I was due to make a post.

In all of the stress and worry over the job change, I have sort of glossed over some of the benefits in my own mind.  And today, having someone to drive in the snow, yeah, that’s a benefit.  Also, having a boss and co-workers who are not two minutes away and feeling judged if you don’t turn up precisely at the invisible bell, just the stress relief of that.  Just thinking about how I came home today and felt like, okay, I did work today and I did give a damn and I wasn’t bothered or pulled away from what I was trying to do.  Nice.  Good.  It was the first day that I felt like maybe, just maybe, I could get this.

What it means is that I can’t fall asleep at the wheel now.   Dragon Age: Inquisition is out next Tuesday and despite any plans, or ideas, or practical concerns, I know what will happen.  It is as predictable as a Sunday following a Saturday.  I will curl around it, fall into it, fill myself up with it and its story and its world.  And my other interests, including my own novel, will fall by the wayside.  Fortunately and unfortunately, this game is clocking in at 100 hours.  One hundred dang hours plus.  And for a girl who has to go to the office and does have to sleep, it’s not going to leave much room for sanity.  But I will at least pull my head once a day to be here and remind myself there is life outside of the screen.  There are goals and needs and processes at work that need attention.

I’m thinking that might be the time to talk about Italy which comes to me in flashes and feelings – my friend’s hard tile floor, listening to Answer Me This when I was wide-awake at 4am, the taste of the cookie after it was soaked in espresso, that slight lemon taste that lingered, the luxuriant mortadella encased in basic white bread that tasted so simple and yet, so perfect, the piercings on the homeless woman who changed three languages until she realized she could ask me for money in English before I frightened her with my despondent expression, the hotel room in Florence, this little perfect cottage that was just mine for one night and the way I felt as though I was sinking into some sort of private cloud.  Standing around the club with a lemon-flavored drink we didn’t have to buy, watching the Italian kids on the pull.  Dancing at my friend’s friend the DJ’s set like this was the sort of thing I was allowed to do.

It’s all right here, still right at my fingertips and I’m quite afraid that elves and snowy drives and crushes du jour will let this critical instance in my life become as forgettable as what I did seven years ago, on the last week in October.  Nothing of note, I imagine, but I don’t know for sure unless it gets put in this great chronicle of my strange existence.  So I promise you I’ll write it all down, get it all out, and then, stop worrying.

Subsume: Day Two Hundred Fifty-Three

885285_91738208Gnar.

Comedy.

Ever still, there is the worst feeling which ebbs and flows at my temples and will go away when it goes away, not one moment sooner.  Do you ever wish…never mind, strike that from the record, nobody ever wishes.  Never ever.

In other news, I have bought a ticket to go tour the Vatican.  Which, I suppose means they’ll have to let me in unless one of those puffed and reckless Vatican guards sees fit to pike me off the property.  I hope to not give any cause, but I would like to see those fellows in action.  They seem like such human anachronisms, sort of like how we go to the Renaissance Faire, only they do it every day because it’s their job and they have to be threatening (insofar as anyone’s going to be making trouble at the Vatican of all places) and I…

I’m mainly afraid that I’m going to have to fight a terrible urge to yell FUCK! everywhere I go to avoid getting thumped by a man who is dressed like he is one tower of the Kremlin.  (And now, having looked up to verify what the uniform looks like, I realize they’re the Swiss Guard which I think I knew at one point and they’re not so very Wizard of Oz-ish or candy cane-esque as my imagination held, but they’re still a bit silly as far as military forces seem to go, garb-wise.  Not that I’m saying anything worthy of piking.  Don’t hurt me.)

I also have a plan for Florence, day 1 – to get there, checked in at the Hotel, get a shuttle to the City Center, then take this pair of tours which I think will keep me in contact with English-speaking folk, which isn’t necessary, really, but I think since I’ll be on my own, more or less, has a sort of comforting element I can’t deny.

Ugh, ugh, time is running out.   I have spent the night after our post-work event legitimately finishing my resume.  Tomorrow night I should be able to put together the cover letter and email it off to her as requested before next Monday’s interview.  I wanted to let my boss know before she went on vacation, but now, I don’t think I have time to meet with the potential new new boss at her office anytime before she leaves and I can’t jump the gun.  It would be awful.  Even though right now, going to events with people who I have come to know and in some cases really cherish and not saying…I know this is a broken record if you’ve been following me for the past week or more, but it’s been emotionally turbulent.  Writing the resume did sort of help re-affirm that I would probably hire me.   And that I can do this job that I’ve been offered.   I gotta focus on that and not the unassailable awful that questions me.

I didn’t play Sims 4 tonight …though maybe I will for an hour just to run some sandpaper over these sharp edges.

Putti Pie: Day Forty-One

Some remarkable things about today.  I got a chance to look at the sky and felt that little frisson run through me as I drove through the countryside.  I remembered I live in a beautiful place, a place where it can snow furiously and turn into braying, singing sunlight in a matter of moments while being bookended by hours of fog.

A car also pulled out in front of me – they had a stop sign and I did not – I don’t remember seeing them, but I do remember stopping, just in time and then continuing on to the bank.  That could have been bad.  That could have been stupid bad, but it was, somehow, a non-event because my mind saw the potential and reacted appropriately.  Not calling that a psychic thing or anything to do with what the shaman foresaw (also saw a big, cracking accident in the intersection nearest our house this morning), but it’s comforting because I always question my ability to protect myself from danger without being on threat level orange at all times.  Afterwards, driving home, I didn’t flinch.  The idea of panicking felt like a bother with good roads, good music, and no pressure to perform.

I have decided not to turn the xbox on today, and am only watching the thing I’m watching now – Antiques Roadshow – before cleaning up the mess I made from cooking and will go take a long bath and work on some of the things I planned yesterday.  I finished the Burial at Sea DLC for Bioshock Infinite last night and as much as I enjoy the game and could play some more of the Clash of the Clouds DLC, I was thinking this afternoon as I was driving home how much of my night that takes up.  How the fugue state takes hold of me and suddenly, I’ve lost the whole evening without activated my brain or body.

So I’ve spent some time this evening looking up information for my budget and as excited as I am to see my friend and to discuss Mumford with her live and in person, I’m suddenly realizing that I’m going to be in this beautiful country with so much to see and do and eat and experience and I can take advantage of it.

I’m also calming myself down about the whole idea of what I’d do with myself all day while she works before

As Valentine’s Day approaches, I’m feeling sort of victorious about the idea that I don’t have someone to try and control me or this.  I don’t have anyone to worry about whether or not this works.  I don’t have to pay for anyone but me or do anything I don’t want to do.  I don’t.  I have to be safe.  Not afraid.

I feel very SARK-like about this.

Places I might like to see in Italy…

Florence
Boboli Gardens
See the David

Rome
I’ll definitely have to talk with my friend and see what she thinks both for the time we’re together and the time she’s working and I’m off to explore on my own.

More as I start to figure this out.  Hell, ideas are welcome.

Lost a Poesy Ring: Day Thirty-Seven

Oh, the thoughts whirling in my head.  I am well-pleased, well-pleased.  The weather is changing from today’s treacherous -9, to tomorrow, they expect it to be almost 40.  Warm enough to melt away the few questionable patches on the road and warm enough to begin to think again of spring, of summer, of the future.

The boss was out more than in again, and as I have been empowered in so many ways, and am not chained to the copier to print out nearly anything any more, I felt like I accomplished quite a bit.  I felt like I was interested in actually crossing things off the to-do list rather than worrying about its completeness before beginning.  Getting to listen to music as I worked helped me to destress and keep focused.  I actually walked out of there feeling better than I had in an age…hopeful, that if I could work at this pace, with having these weights lifted off of me, I could find an exit strategy.  That maybe this was my exit strategy unfolding in front of me.   I didn’t worry that the new boss didn’t come back when she said she would.  I didn’t worry that old boss might be waiting for her.  Those things were out of my control and my workday was done.

Now, it’s time to be back on the low-carb ball.    This is more and more critical, in the light of the reading, in the light of the fact that I am not so crunched in to the fetal position (at least today) and I’m not so overwhelmed (at least today) and in the fact that I look on OKC and find guys that I could like and everything’s matchy matchy and wouldn’t we like one another, isn’t he cute, I could maybe tolerate this guys face, and then the question, can overweight people be attractive and they answer no and I go, okay, well, mark that one off the list.  They can’t even try to be, apparently, for this guy.  Fuck me, of course, I can’t just choose you because you won’t choose me and I’m not going to stand on the firing line when all I want is a toe in the water. And it’s not just that I think I need to accommodate that one particular guy’s tragic inability to see beauty in all its variant forms, but because I can’t see it, either.  Apparently not when it comes to me.  I have an evil, hard, unfair double standard.   Aside from the whole body security/probably help the vertigo/I want to fucking do it to strike it from the list/because I want to feel pretty when I go to Italy.

Because late October of this very year, I am going to Italy.  It’s pretty official now.  I keep thinking that someone would stop me and say, hey, this is kind of weird or dangerous or not acceptable or not allowed.  And then, I wonder why I need someone to talk me down from all my best darings.  And it doesn’t matter at this point if they do, because there are parts of me that are completely fearless when it comes to this.  When it comes to travel, and I need right now to identify those parts and places and be there for a while.