Well, water only gets you so far. And a weirdo lunch does not always suffice when you’re looking down the wand length at a 5 hour D&D game. So my thought is at this particular moment, we just go ahead and get something for lunch when I leave here and track it down to the screwiest last calorie. Just to get myself good and proper full and then we don’t eat post 7. Sounds doable. Maybe. I think there will be stuff floating about to eat, but I am at that stage of fog and clutching, desperate, disorganization where I can’t feel very much control. So I don’t know. I’m going to try and go to the store and find something feasible for my purposes.
When you’re hungry like this and distracted by worries and incomplete tasks, it is a huge fight not to let yourself just wild if you can just say it’s only for today. It is a matter of some small account to realize that I at least kept the leash and kept going. Paid attention to portion sizes and stopped when I intended to stop. Even though that meant sitting with lots of barely touched things in bags while I talked to J about anything other than the things we need to talk about. Mostly D&D.
Naturally, I go to the game and have a grand ol’ time. There were only three of us. Well, two relatively tender men and then, the wounded, with the brazen, sometimes Falstaffian GM. And me, oblivious to the arch, comic romantic attentions of some random NPC oarsman, given that fact that some tentacled, flying sorts of fish nearly killed me.
It does go to make me re-realize that so many things we don’t want to do – we kind of do want to do them. We kind of do want to experience them and we can endure some low-level resistance internally to get there. Lately, I’ve had to stop asking myself certain questions because I know what the answer will be and the answer will never be anything helpful. It will be a verbal obstacle to the positive benefits of reality. Don’t turn there. Don’t stay here. Don’t breathe the air around you. Sometimes, we have to act in our own benefit because the rest of us doesn’t have a clue.
This did, however, make today’s paperwork and diet go a bit awry. But only a bit. I still cut the factory off at 7pm, but I did probably go over a bit in an attempt to correct a very strict and austere breakfast and lunch situation. I wanted to be able to concentrate on the game, to not be offered pizza and be ravenous enough to eat it, and to not freak out about driving there at a weird time with a lot of things on my mind. So many things I’d forgotten until many hours later that today is my mother’s chemo day.
Tomorrow, tomorrow we see her and complete paperwork.