A Refusal to Be Vexed: Day 9

No head starts today.  I think I am almost there.  I don’t know.  I’ve got options for clothing for 3 and a half days like I was going on a 30-day cruise.  I’ve got all sorts of random things I somehow think my friends may be interested in.  I’ve been running madly for four days and now, now, I think I just need to hit this wall.

My font just changed for some reason I can’t determine.  It’s interesting.  Now that I know people are reading this – maybe people I care about, maybe not, I should be more motivated to speak broadly and boldly.  To write with verve and linguistic punch.  To speak of the project of self with power and hope and to pull all of us, collectively, out of the muck and mire that is this life with the piquancy of my wit, the sincerity of my vision.

But I’m fucking tired, y’all.  I don’t know what to say about that in a novel way.  You know what it is.  Everybody’s got sore shoulders from holding up the universe.

Tomorrow, tomorrow everything just relaxes.   And gets silly.   I hope so, anyway.  I’m looking up brunch places and hoping one of them won’t be so obnoxiously busy that we have to wait.

So let’s do this, my friends, as you may or may not know, these posts have to be five hundred words long.  I make the rules, unfortunately, and that one was carved into stone tablets long ago.  Let’s do the old game.

I am grateful for…my mother enduring her chemo so beautifully and keeping up her spirits and all the odd things that come with this – my father so earnestly telling me about the will, my sister taking it upon herself to supply my mother with cute caps now that her hair’s falling out – for the nice people at the treatment center that she so enjoys or at least fakes enjoying.  I’m grateful for the luxury of not having this an anvil in my heart right now.  I don’t know when that weight will fall, but I’m grateful that now for the moment, we can enjoy her spirit.  Her heart.  Her being her in the purest form.  She’s a good person.

I’m grateful that there is therapy tomorrow and some of the loose detritus floating about my brain pan will be filtered from my system and I’ll be set back in order again.  I’m grateful I had enough werewithal to put a few things in order and get what I think I need to m

I love the Black Phoenix Alchemy lab oils I’ve discovered hiding away even as I tore my place apart to pack.  I’m excited to wear them tomorrow, to wear jewelry, to have a nice,full face of jewelry on tomorrow.  I love that I don’t have to impress anyone, but I can try to impress myself.

Wouldn’t it be nice if I could stay calm and happy tomorrow and enjoy without trying to leave my head too much?  Wouldn’t it be grand?

A Thin Red Thread

I am aware, Mr. Battery, that you don’t like to work on your own.

Nevertheless, we forge ahead.

Things I love:  CreateTV’s primetime lineup.  I’m watching Pati’s Mexican Table.   The smell of fresh garlic.   Bioware putting out new Mass Effect 3 DLC.   Salsa chicken.  Improving on a recipe and getting ideas about how to improve upon it.  Having leftovers so I don’t have to re-invent the wheel.   Feeling ever so slightly tighter and smaller.  The phrase “dick holster.”  Anything and everything Le Creuset.   The Great British Bake Off.   The genuine happiness of others.   Sitting so still I can balance a cup of coffee on the couch without spilling.   Re-reading old thoughts and finding a tinge of truth in them.

This video:

Things I am grateful for: being able to drive myself home after it already started snowing.   Being able to push my legs enough to make them sore the next day.  The Keurig brewing me up some Starbucks medium roast decaf to warm up my toes.  Family buying me a bookcase, putting it together and soon enough, bringing it over so that it frames my bed.  Having enough books to fill two bookcases and getting to pull out more books out of storage.   Having strength inside to seek help and, I’m finding, strength to bear the tasks at hand and do the best that I can and be all right with whatever that level is.  I’m grateful for the ability right at this very moment to stop.  Eating, daydreaming about eating, craving being completely subsumed by the intake that I can’t process the world.   Attractive people on the internet.  Friends and new acquaintances willing to set me up with genius media.   Water.  Gum.  Breathing.      Shepard’s advice to just worry about the next twenty meters.  That tomorrow is already Tuesday.

Wouldn’t it be nice if:  I would like to have a big kitchen one day and fill it with Le Creuset cookware.   And sharp knives and room to work and experiment.   It would be nice if everyone just took a step back and breathed tomorrow and since everyone won’t, it’d be nice if I took charge of myself and allowed myself room to do that.  If I made time to practice ukulele or guitar tomorrow?  If I threw away my trash instead of staring at it and imagining the possible futures in which I would throw away my trash?  If I got to go on a long vacation somewhere sunny and where it didn’t matter what I wore, and on that long vacation, someone became deeply infatuated with me, wit and all.  Wouldn’t it be lovely if I knew that I only could last so long on treating myself sanely and well and I just advanced right along, bumblebee style anyway. If my body could just relent and make a lesson for my mind.  I woke up rested and assured and didn’t quaver at the maybes I must confront but thought instead of the things I love and the things I am grateful for.