I’m thirty. Remember this, above all else, or none of what follows or ever was on this blog will seem remarkable.
It’s also not remarkable at all and what matters, what I really feel matters, is that I know I’m seen and loved today and the age I am at this particular moment is neither here nor there.
I hope I don’t have another post titled Tiramisu. Ah, well, this is today’s Tiramisu. Which became my birthday cake tonight and was perfect. We went to Olive Garden because the realization that if I wanted anything to eat for my birthday, I wanted garlic bread sticks. I wasn’t expecting to do anything tonight except perhaps to write a post lamenting my absent birthday celebration, but instead, from the very moment I woke up, I was surrounded by the kind, well-wishes of others. My friend who I am going to see in Italy sent me an in-jokey picture. I drove myself through some touchy, snowy roads, tense but breathing. My boss texted me that I could take all the time I needed. As I drove I told myself, half in jest, half in complete sincerity, that this was already the best birthday ever because I was pushing against my fear instead of being owned by it. It was not perfect, but it was managed, with no real panic to speak of as I concentrated just on being safe. At work, they got me flowers and we all got Starbucks in my honor. I was given hugs and also quietude while the new boss went out on an excursion with some of the board. There was Chinese for lunch. I was given cards and thanked by people I care about. And tons of people, people I haven’t talked to in years said hey on Facebook. And then, my sister, employed and able to do this, bought me that Olive Garden birthday dinner which was delicious. So good. And it reminded me of the whole Italy trip and the fact that this pretty great, pretty big thing is going to happen because I’m willing it to happen.
I think that’s all I’ve ever wanted. To just feel like I wasn’t passing by in my life completely unnoticed, unremarked upon.
Well, maybe not all I’ve ever wanted. But I have wanted it. And it’s nice to get it, if only for a day.
At the moment, given how much love I felt today, it’s hard to gin up outrage or despair or even much more than a dim flickering frustration at not having one particular person to lavish affection upon me. Staying in this moment feels more effective than worrying about what might be. I laid in bed last night worrying about the snow until I realized that no matter how strongly I worked my brain, how aggressively I wanted that snow to not be hitting the streets, I had absolutely no impact on it. I couldn’t stop one flake from falling. And with that understanding made, I began to sleep.