I thought somehow at some point when I was driving home, ignoring my racing heart, that I was totally going to be able to write a storm tonight.
It was going to be easy because there was so much to say. So much, whoosh, gone. So much freaking my head out. So many little moments of us sitting around and trying to answer the question of how do you do anything after a change, even one foreshadowed and expected?
I don’t know. I don’t know. It is easy. It is hard. It is messing with my head. My feet also bothered me something fierce today after many weeks of being fine. I have decided that I…am freaked out enough about that to talk to someone. My therapist. On the 12th. And deal with it from there because right now, there isn’t anyone else in the world who could talk to me about it and it wouldn’t just send me into some sort of state I can’t easily get out of. Doctors…not until it falls off. I know it can’t come to that. But I just can’t take it right now. There’s so many other…but nevertheless, I felt every anxiety symptom today and spazzed out hard after 4 days of perfectly sane driving. Not enough to stop, or skip writing group. Just enough that JFC, it felt like I was back at square one.
It’s all part of it, maybe. Maybe it’s a wasteful excuse.
My father did not cry. Not that I have seen. He is dutiful. Perhaps this is old hat now, three losses in three years. I don’t think that’s true, still. He is smiling. He is laughing and making jokes. I think he’s laughing because that’s what my grandpa would have wanted. It’s what he would have done. He told me that he dreamed a few weeks ago when my grandfather was ill, but we didn’t know for sure that this would be the final turn, that my grandfather told him to stop worrying about money. He laughed about the way he’d say whenever anyone wanted anything “Well, give it to ’em.” My grandpa just didn’t believe in hanging on to anything if someone else could use it.
My dad definitely worries about money, he worries about everything, even more than me which is saying something. So this is advice that until it came from the right person didn’t mean anything.
I told you I’d been watching One. This short film essentially about the death of an old man, about forgiving himself, about the inside work and then the outside work of bringing a person to pass on. The memories, the medicines, the life that touched so many, it all spinning and dancing and showing itself until there is no more. I didn’t expect that the story was now. It was happening while I wasn’t paying attention.
There are other things, other frustrations and fears, but here we are. Doing this thing called life.