Paraphrasing from a recent TED talk I heard: The energy it takes to get you out of a warm bed into a cold room is the exact same energy required to change your life.
That feeling when you’re way too fragile, self-esteem-wise, to handle someone the avoidant-obsessive game. Everything justifies everything else. I said we needed to know where things stood so we wouldn’t accidentally hurt one another.
Why does he need to tell some British redhead her smile is great? That “damn…that smile.” It’s a group for single people! I don’t know. He just does. Meanwhile, I feel as though I’ve crawled out of some terrible, pilled sweater cocoon an even greater, more shlubbier bit of nothing. Meanwhile, I’ve got a chair half-full of pizza. I’ve got this exhausted anxiety. I’ve done what I could. But everyone’s better being themselves than I am these days. My feelings always have this edge of plausible deniability until the moment someone tries to deny them.
I want to tear off my skin and tear the bone from the marrow and get back to dust and air and weightless, speechless things.
We aren’t dating. We’re single. But we’re not, you know? We’re honestly not. But we are, apparently. This is the shit you have to just blink and determine has no power over you. But it does. I want to be passive aggressive and shitty like the bad sitcom wives who hold shit over their unwitting husbands’ heads – the ones I swore my relationships would have no single common thread with. I want to post cold-hearted, snide, acerbic things. I want him to feel bad for thinking whatever probably innocuous thing he was thinking. Probably.
Everything is fine except in the ways, you know, it ain’t.
Everything is grand except in the ways you’re actively eating shit.
I’m glad that therapy is tomorrow. Even if it means I have to mess with running around like an imbecile in the middle of the day. I’m trying to learn. I’m trying to do what I can. Trying not to dwell on how I feel so awful I can’t even think.
Just a momentary vent. It’ll heal. Along with everything else. Fuck.
So yesterday was a longer post, I don’t know what tonight will bring when I really want to work on at least two other things and the thing I most want to work on is delayed until Tuesday at the earliest.
I have tasks I have to complete. I’ve been arguing in some ways with J all day as our motivations and interests collide and diverge. I need the time to think about and address my own stuff. This morning we did not do breakfast. No fancy final eggs benedict to swallow me up, however, the absence of breakfast lead to me holding firm on the idea of needing lunch. So my birthday lunch ended up being my younger sister and I eating tacos quickly and splitting the bill so we could hurry and get my mother the pho she wanted. This was important because she’s changing the chemo formula next week and things are continuing into a positive, but nebulous place. A nebulous, but positive place? One spot going away to reveal another spot. The cancer in the bone holding steady. Things not progressing, but the medicine not attacking like it should. Somehow the new medicine will be less harsh. Maybe her hair will grow back. If she wants pho, or she wants the moon, we do what is required for her to have it.
You stop thinking about needing some grand party in moments like these. You stop thinking that the day needs to hit some watermark of ego-stroking to matter. They gave me a big gift card for Amazon. They let me watch Critical Role for over an hour with nobody making too many comments. That’s lovely. If I can’t have them sitting there, engaged with something I care about, I’ll take being able to just enjoy it around them. It’s nice to feel as though I could give myself 5 seconds of not being beholden to an idea I have and how much air is in the room when I do that.
I don’t have to be made to be a princess. I have to make myself happy.
I’m doing that by writing, and slowly, painstakingly, taking care of one thing I need to take care of at a time. I’m doing that by letting myself think about the plans I made and set out in the future, how day by day they’re moving toward me…but also, I can move towards them. I can find the mechanized walkway they have in the airport and walk fast as I can on it and zoom by rather than lean on the side. A labored metaphor, but yes. I can think about what I want. And another day of Starbucks and pizza and refusing to track and pay attention to your choices is not going to make for better posts. Must lay your head down in new places to have better dreams.
Tonight before bed: find your bus pass, please. Pick out some clothes that you can wear to survive the snow. Buy the book. Charge your fitbit. Check your email. Take your hand off the stove.
Phone calls. Other things to note. I apparently leveled up in our game. I’m excited about that, given that it’s never happened before. I’m excited to be able to do more, to use the information I have.
That’s enough for you for today.
A long time ago, I had a friend with a celestial last name. It’s her birthday today. Just thinking about that as I pour out a toast and contemplate a week of birthday, D&D, body image, surfeit, and surely other things.
So, last night, was another fun night of D&D. Me and a bunch of nerdy boys. Boys and men. Boy-shaped men. Man-shaped boys. I really only get comfortable and remember what’s going on once it’s about done. But there’s always that one moment where you go OH THIS IS GENIUS, I AM GENIUS, EVERYTHING IS FUCKING GREAT! And then it rolls into you being unable to tie your metaphorical D&D shoes. The highs and the lows – as anyone with any experience will surely tell you.
The dangerous thing I’m coming to realize is I have a crush. A crush on tin whistlin’, very tall, charismatic and unbothered guy at D&D. Guy with a girlfriend who also plays D&D. Guy who is pleasant, sociable, but I refer you to the aforementioned exceedingly unbothered about me. Times being what they were, this once would have been the sort of mental drink I thrill to just nurse for ages. I would spend a great deal of time despairing over the reality of the situation (and probably still will, though I think it will of much shorter duration and intensity), but I would, as an ultimately rational being, accept the facts as they are.
However, I have been told I am single recently. Even if this information has been followed by an inverse desire to speak with me and pat my head and flirt and behave as before – as someone might cling to a life preserver. Sure, life preserver, if you’d be happier floating adrift at sea, I’m fine with that. But if you’re not doing anything, keeping me from drowning seems like a noble way to spend your time. Sigh.
So I’m letting myself scan the world around me for a boyfriend who wants to be my boyfriend. I mean, I guess. That’s awful forward of me, but death dances close and brushes my hems with her own. No harm in looking, single girl that I am. And I go to D&D and suddenly I’m surrounded by wry, clever boys making dick jokes. It’s that one silly slice of high school life that I deserved more of and never really got. And suddenly, I think of that girl that I hated so who had all of the goths and nerds and offbeat guys in as much love with her as I knew existed at the time – because she played Magic: The Gathering. How they would swirl around her and her piercings and go out to the Pit and probably had a lot of other pain and issues going on in her life that I was mentally incapable of seeing because I was this sensitive ball of hot wires that was constantly rolling away from anyone to keep them from getting electrocuted and me from losing the one thing I had – that useless circulating power. I was outside of all of that, but I always believed that’s where I belonged.
Now, somehow, at the table, I’m the only feminine force. Now I’m the one that makes them at least cognizant of the dick jokes…after the 3rd or 4th time. I’m the unattached single girl who is both trying and not trying to be the cliche I cast my high school nemesis. I want the tall D&D guy to see me and approve somehow. I want validation and to rewrite those years. Damn, it’s ridiculous and bizarre and The Onion headline-worthy and far too much pressure to put on myself, but it feels like if I just stay in the awkwardness long enough, something’s got to happen, somehow. Maybe. As of last night, there was already wry, sardonic, clever boy #2 who may or may not be dating anyone but does have a “last girlfriend” who lived in New York with him and may or may not now be in a freezer. This is America. Never assume.
So, given the fact that I am this explosion of bad ideas lately, I am trying very hard to use my dead-end crush to a good end. I am trying to convert it, rather than into whinging posts and mournful emotional exfoliation, into motivating myself into becoming the sort of woman who would have the option, were she immoral enough to take it, of breaking his heart. I wouldn’t, of course. I have boxes of evidence to prove I wouldn’t. But I want my self-esteem and regard to be at the level where I would be pretty sure that were I to press the issue, there would be an issue to press. I want that sort of slow-boil ego. Not spilling out on the stove narcissism, just steady, constant faith that your shit is together enough that he should want a bit of it. It’s a much nicer idea than rolling up in your rumpled sweater and sitting there stiffly in worry and fear and wondering how terrible you’re doing and how shitty you’re RP’ing and being shaped in the shape of garbage in the world. In both worlds.
It’s funny how you begin even to think about how much you need to act in a bit of self-regard, how you let one dream, one person, one thing that is no longer…sparking joy, ahem…go and the energy shifts around you. Marie Kondo is on to something. Suddenly, J wants to do some writing with me which feels like a far more productive thing to do together than where we are right now. Suddenly, a couple other writing opportunities are opening up – personal things I that I want to do – suddenly, rather than clinging to the life preserver in J – I feel like, maybe, metaphorically, I know how to swim.
And painted in the background is the siren song of eating shit. Sugar and salt and shit. Tomorrow, after heading to a restaurant to visit with m cousin and ordering the wrong thing today, a nice tasting but overich croque madame heavy with bechamel sauce, I’ve been invited to invent a quasi-birthday meal out. Everyone’s sick. After just wave upon wave of dining out in a, damn, if I don’t want to stop and just have a piece of celery and walk calmly for 1-2 miles. But my brain won’t allow it. There will be tiramisu and maybe waffles and I’ll submit to the unknown calories and draw a line. So I’m hopeful that we eat early, I get home, and I can just begin the hard work of getting out of my own way here.
I have not, as of this writing, been to Chipotle this year…which is the hill of guacamole I’ve chosen to die on, I guess.
And I’m finding myself too irritating to stand, and publish…
The most metal of moons.
I need to change this website. I know I do. I’m not entirely sure how to go about this. But the endless icy sheets of black and white, even the blurry little weed breaking through the crack on the screen no longer makes me smile when I look at it. I need to just hire someone? I don’t know. Just change the picture, that would be a start.
I am needing to do something different tomorrow. All of it. I made real shit choices today, this weekend, this month, really. So. How do you stop the engine when you’re rolling right along into a hotter and hotter fire? You are here, for one. You turn off the other noises and you give yourself over to a bit of self-reflection.
I have written a lot today, none of it really suitable to share. That’s been the sum total of it. Did leave the house for a brunch I absolute did not need to have. I’ve spent the day bleary. In some conversation with J, consoling him for his bleariness and ignoring my own. Honestly, this is the hardest bit of it. The up and the down. I don’t blame him for it or even judge him for it, but finding yourself attenuating your moods to someone who is equally fluid when it comes to being able to tolerate themselves is a rough gig. Yesterday, I’m queen of the universe for him, today, exhaustion and sad posting and a bevy of other people suggesting how to break out of the mental funk while my suggestions get little more than a shrug.
I’m reacting much more poorly than I’d like to all this.
So now, end of the Sunday shame spiral: I am here, spattered with gravy from the undying pot roast, and everything is a mess. Petrified to check my work email. Checked it as best I could and nothing was radioactive so I feel instantly much relieved. My plan to combat this and come back to some form of recognizable :
Find my Fitbit
Drink an entire glass of water (a whole and entire eight ounces)
Charge my phone and fitbit and put them somewhere I can find them in a few short hours.
Defenestrate the undead pot roast.
Not get so distracted by nonsense that I can’t finish this post
Finish this post.
Remember I have my drink in the fridge in the morning.
Brush my teeth and try and wash my face in a format that my face will find tolerable and not set to itching over.
Fix my sheets so I don’t find falling asleep completely impossible.
Set my alarm.
Figure out what the heck I want to wear tomorrow out of the bundle of laundry I did and tossed aside out of some sense of boring laziness that sure as fuck fucks me over now.
Possibly order groceries for tomorrow. Possibly just plan to go to the grocery store?
Trust in the process.
Remember to reschedule therapy.
Stitching in time, trying to save way more than nine.
It’s frustrating how the dreams one has at either end of the day never seem to make it through to the other half. I wake up and am plotting how much power and juice I have tonight to whirlwind some house organization. Not exactly KonMari it, but do something with the free time and I know I will get there all bleary and ravenous and distracted by the chemistry of my body and collapse into sleep far too late – just before thinking that somehow I will wake up early and be level-headed enough to pack my lunch and do my makeup and be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and hit work early and make something of myself. Then I always wake up, holding on with my fists, digging nails into the last little segment of sleep as it tears itself free of my grasp…I stumble into work, late, distracted, with more caffeine in my system than I can properly absorb and the cycle begins anew.
I have things to do that help with this. My plans for life help with this. I am not, at this moment, following these plans. I need to fill out my daily paperwork. I need to read the blogs. I’d allotted for this grace, but dang, it feels wasteful to flagrantly spin about in it. Let us have a moment of recognition that my suffering is entirely self-induced and can be resolved only through my own instigation. No one else can stop this train, save me, and the cliff in front of me.
Lame. I thought it was all going to be that piece of proverbial cake. Just goes to show the power of a little sugar on a plan of austerity. You let someone remember their hedonism even for a moment and you loose the reins.
I wrote a whole post yesterday about my new, marvelous dentist. Marvelous mostly for the fact that he didn’t leave me feeling elated just to have gotten out of there alive and having spent less than $200.00. Boy o boy. High art. I feel like that’s where the stories are right now for me. In the extremely specific happenstances of my small and generally uneventful life. It is in the looking that I will begin to see something and when I blot out my vision and clap shut my dictionary in favor of the blurry images inside my mind, a blindness reigns my spirit. I forget all. I find myself at those melted candle ends of day with nothing to show. This year, I spose, we gotta pour the sugar there. The energy, the thought, the images, the will.
Today, though, we are able to report that the one or two very specific things I was requested to do in her absence are done. We traumatized the cat and gave her the medicine she requires. We scooped her shit. We’re shortly to wash our hair and selves and somehow find our way out of the Royal We. We and I also drove the way I wanted to drive, no turning about for the longest long way. Small, concrete, factual tasks. Slow and steady.
Watching Heathers with my friends, one of whom, not ironically since that is the reason we chose the movie, is named Heather. We’ve all got the same dark sense of humor and the friend who hadn’t seen it yet really liked it. That makes me happy.
A day and a half off is not really enough. It’s just not. So I’m frustrated that we went shopping today even if it was a good chance just to walk around and daydream and be blank in my head, but this house needs to be cleaned. NEEDS. And I feel overwhelmed about it until I start writing it and it doesn’t seem so difficult to just toss a few things in the trash and pick up some stray shoes.
I think in my head I’m thinking that if I start that, I’ll start wanting to get myself together in other ways and the itch to do that will get worse and Christmas is coming and our fancy, decadent Christmas lunch is coming and I’m caught in the middle of all of it. Excuses, excuses. I am in the midst of looking backwards too, in remembering this time last year right before I started this project when there are not a lot of blog entries and certainly none here (I don’t think) about how keenly I needed to get a hold of myself and start dieting and living life the way I wanted to live it.
2010 was supposed to be the year of the tiger, the year of change, of ferocity in that regard. But what I’ve come to understand is that a year is a long time and that ferocity comes in waves and cycles. It has to be stoked like a fire with belief and practice. You stop doing one and you stop doing the other.
But there has been change this year. Big change. Big, booming, rad change. It’s just that spread out over three hundred and sixty-five days, it’s more like chump change. I traveled this year, I dated this year, I drank this year, I hung out with friends this year, I was an idiot a lot this year, I got brave in some respects and less so in others. I lost weight and gained it and exercised and blew it off. But I never stopped writing. Even on days when not writing felt like the only natural response I could have to the situation – not writing and curling up in bed and trying to white everything out. This habit, this one thing, is in my bones now. My sister and I talked yesterday about the unlikeliness of my cutting out fast food for a whole year. It is a huge thing. HUGE, nigh impossible, but I would have said exactly the same thing about doing this.
I have to keep thinking, and in the meantime, I’m getting myself ready for the fresh new year, push.
Nothing ever changes in my head unless I change my head. I give up, and the day deflates. I fight and doors open. You know what I mean as the winds roll in.