Ah, all my lovely friends and blog readers. It is Friday, Good Friday for some, Great Friday for others, and just today for some of the rest of us.
I wanted to talk about the fact that while I am not losing my job…I am being given the all-clear to look for another job. This is a complicated thing that I’ve been talking about with the people involved – some of them and wrestling with for a while now. A thing that’s causing a certain amount of stress in my brain. It’s made me feel a bit like I am floating, it’s made me want to be told point blank what is to be done, it’s made me want to not do anything – read, write, exercise – that even yesterday made me feel good. Like a flash flood of depression.
What the hell.
The impulse to whine about having to deal with this doesn’t get me anywhere. I have a weekend. I have plans and things to do. I have a story to work on. And I have a story to let go.
I so often use this blog for the reiteration, the focus, the underlining of things I tell myself I can’t do. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. It is walking water torture. It is a little beastling that runs ahead down every hallway and locks doors and windows. It pulls down shades, turns out lights. And for the longest time, I have just wandered along as though I turn corner after corner in these darkened rooms and just have to turn back out again. Telling the story of my life and casting myself as the Little Match Girl is a profound addiction for me.
So, we climb out of that shell. I am a thousand different women, a different one every day, but there’s a ribbon that runs through us all and knots us together. This soul that exists without a name, a fire that burns for no witness, this river that feeds itself. It is metaphysical, but it matters. I matter in my own life. Imagine that.
What does all of this mean? It means I have to do some shit I don’t want to do. Own up to things I don’t want to own up to in terms of food and negativity and my own flatout destructive laziness. The damage I do by behaving like I don’t matter. Because there is a very real cost to stress hiding, to living with an aim to stay invisible. I pay it in health, I pay it in peace, I pay it financially, of course, when things get left undone because there’s emotional pain tagged to it – oftentimes, deeply irrational levels of emotional pain bound up in stories nobody knows but me.
Totally had go back and edit out the 2nd person there – POV matters, too. I live in this floaty, 2nd person stance here. As if the shit that hurts is just happening, not necessarily happening to me. The woman who does this in writing group (she uses this rather aggressive form of 1st person that somehow requires her to refuse to use articles) kills me.
I am alive and in this body. I have real desires. I am not just my words written to meet a quota. I have to deal with paper. I have to deal with phone calls. I have to goddamn grow up about this because laying back and wishing has not served me well.
So, more truth, less chatter. Throw open windows, light candles, bust through doors. Level up.
It is never so terribly impossible once
we I begin.