What I have at the moment is a runaway horse. It’s my horse. I don’t need it to live, to survive, but it would make my life easier and better to have it. This metaphorical horse is running, capering and gamboling just along the horizon. It doesn’t mind being caught and it doesn’t mind being free. It just needs me to go after it and climb on.
I am letting my anxieties reach up and grab me by the throat, letting them tame me.
I am not going home early today.
There’s something in my head lately that is making me miserable. I’m not talking about being sick, I just feel overwhelmed and what’s worse is I’m playing into my own expectations and reinforcing this negative sense of the world as if I genuinely can’t escape. What’s genuine is that stasis has just as much danger long-term as action. As life.
This must stop!
I have got to shake things up! Embrace exclamation points! The glass of water has been drunk! We’re already well on our way! Things are miraculous and brave and true and remarkable. Life amidst the horror and endless march. Magic amidst the material. Bravery and goodness and the weighty charge of purpose that animates our bodies. A great and holy faith. A swathe cut through the overgrown and choking work product of our minds. A machete of will. A heart that sees through reinforced walls. The removal of scales and sashes and gleaming light that blinds us with its beauty, blinds it from truth. A fearless language that bears the water to the parched, funnels it away from those overwhelmed. A language that finds truth with a laser focus.
We have access to everything we need and when we don’t, we will find a way to get up out of where we are and what we are and we’ll take care of it.
I called someone today for work, just a cursory call, the kind of thing that should be old hat to me by now but yet still causes me dread. I’ve been playing phone tag with him for weeks, essentially leading him on about the possibility of him working on a project with us and it’s become clear and I’ve been told that it isn’t going to work out. Finally, I just fucking called him and it felt wonderful even though I had to disappoint him. It felt great that whatever dread I have is gone because it’s been handled. I’m learning.
I’m learning that there’s such a wide variety of emotion out there and that I don’t have to be a grump, even though I was a grumpy bitch today. (I can usually cover that by saying I don’t feel well and I get sympathy for my bitchiness!) I still have a soft heart and a desire to see everyone do well and heal and those who are suffering find protection and succor.
Too much of anything makes me delirious. Tedium and delirium are good counterweights so long as you end up somewhere in the middle.
It is time to go chase down a horse. I know you don’t entirely understand but it was enough to try and say it.