Tonzura Koite!: Day One Hundred Fifty-Three

751398_35167431Aaaaaaaaah, so much.

Really, my therapist is missing out because I’m doing some spectacular things (both for and against my own best interests) while we extend our unplanned therapy hiatus.  I’m intimating to new boss in a pretty epic chat that I want to leave in the next two years, more than intimating, sort of accidentally blatantly explaining.  We also talked about racism, sexism, and things that have been kosher in olden days that we’re not going to allow to be kosher anymore. I’m going to Salida which was something we talked about me not needing to do back when it was a reward for dieting.   My parents agreed to go there overnight for a one-show only travel review where we hit it, the Great Sand Dunes and get the hell back to the safety of our homes (and, apparently, also go to a Rockies game and Celestial Seasonings tea factory- yes, I live in Colorado after trying to obscure that fact for the past four+ years, I do.)  I’m weirded out by the fact that they’re not begging off, though that may still happen, and that this is what they’ve settled on doing.  They actually wanted to travel, to be on the road a bit and not just go to Denver which we could do at any time.   And now, what the fuck, I’m thinking about going to Denver ComicCon for all the Mass Effectery.  Like Kaidan’s going to be there! And Fem!Shep.  Or their people that voice them.  And Ashley.That’s something that wasn’t planned before because we were really sure that we would be going to my grandparents’ and I would be fine doing that, but apparently, it’s not good for her, health-wise to stress out over us coming, so they’ve rescheduled it for the fall and now we’re actually using the vacation time to tonzura koite as it were.   That is so atypical, I cannot even tell you.

Wow, all of a sudden life just broke open like a pinata and said here’s the candy, run around like an idiot and grab some.  I didn’t have to even swing the Louisville Slugger.

All of that, if I was smart and not caffeinated and worked up having just stationary bike’d for half an hour, should be broken down into its own little section to help with my word count. But I feel buzzy and interested in throwing off this literary yoke and getting back to getting excited about these things which feel so nice and rewarding considering how down I was yesterday.    I also saw one of those rarely all that helpful motivational images that actually did remind me that doing this diet is going to take more than two weeks, more than two months for me to get the feedback that is going to make me giddy about the fact that I’ve bothered doing it at all, so I just have to apply this nose to the grindstone again. And happily, I also did not fuck up the diet today! I have also exercised essentially for 30 minutes a day for the whole month of May.  That’s something right there.

 

 

Everybody Wants to Rule the World: Day Thirty-Nine

Sunday is burning its last few inches of wick.

I am happy.

I have used pockets of time well today.

I’ve set some clothing out for tomorrow.  I’m going to plan my food for tomorrow.  I’ve set my alarm.  I’ve drunk some water.  I’ve worn my pedometer. I’ve spent 10 minutes on the bike.  I’ve cleaned up in the bathroom.   I’ve finished the last run on Bioshock Infinite and am working on the DLC.  The roads can do as they like because it’s been warm enough that some snow tonight won’t make them impassable.  Not for me and Suzy Suzuki, the pearly mountain goat I drive around in.  I was not sick on shakes or anything else.

Instead of dreading, I’m organizing.

At least for today.

Tonight – shower, have something else to eat that is small, perhaps some more popcorn – which I will come to in a second here, blow out the candles

Tomorrow morning – 10 minutes on the bike
Drink my shake before I go
Finish my makeup before I go instead of trying to tell myself I’ll have time to do it at work.
Bring a bag of trash down to the dumpster before I go to work
Leave at 7:45 rather than 8:00a.m. so as to have two moments to think.
Go to the grocery store and buy food for dinner that is healthy and that I’m willing to make after a long day.  (Not pizza.)
Stand up and walk around while thinking.  Try and get 5000 steps in.
Sign up for a massage on Sunday.
Remember dodgeball because God knows I’d like to forget about it.

…..

Tomorrow night I’m going to start on my vacation budget.  I have some money set aside since my friend and I have started talking about this, but I have got to start doing a lot more research since even though I get to stay somewhere for free, I both don’t want to be a burden and take advantage of the fact that I’m going to Italy.   My thought is to stay overnight in Florence.   At any rate, there’s just a lot more thinking to do on how to make all of this happen.  Though a key part of being excited about it is feeling comfortable in self so…I’m working on that, foodwise, exercise, lifestyle change-wise.  Whatever the road is, the destination is the feeling.  The destination is the pride I’d like to have and currently don’t.  So I’m doing more low-carb, but an imperfect version, for a few days, anyway.  Fuck, I really don’t even want to talk about it, because I feel guilty and then I feel annoyed and then I feel self-righteous and then I feel like the only way anything happens is from ground zero, day one and I destroy everything I’ve got to get back there.  That’s the cycle I need most to break.  So imperfection is accepted and assumed.   Still doesn’t mean I can’t exercise and try and build in some better habits and seduce the positive rather than eschew the negative.   And yes, you can embroider that on a throw pillow for me, please.

 

Rad!

It has been an interesting and valuable day two on the 2011 Great Hunt for New Beginnings Front, for one theatre of the Great Plan.  I have been good and have requirements that I’m pushing for to continue being good later today.  It has not been perfect – I have been grouchy and snippy and useless and negative and I’ve held back things and I’ve been non-communicative and downright unpleasant.  And that counts too, just as much as some of it may be justified, I’ve been unable to just get up and over that bullshit and I wish I had been.   I admire myself most when I am joyful in the world.
But I wasn’t and it just serves as a reminder to work on not being that way, not as some inveterate, systemic issue with me being a careless jerk.  I just enjoy being nicer and not sitting around punching the air and envisioning strangulations and defenestrations to all the people who I see as being a jerk to me.  Really, when you take a step back, whether the people you are in relationships want to hurt you or not, if you don’t treat their evaluations of your existence as the only right ones then it’s all just feedback to consider and discard as needed.
So I was a grouch, but we got our heater fixed and, hopefully, when they come back tomorrow for some final check, there isn’t some anvil thrown on us as far as it being too old for us to have in the house or something.  I don’t know, but it seems like life is always throwing something bizarre at us.
I also have eaten carefully and with consideration.  Not perfectly – all rice cakes and edamame – but carefully and with knowledge of what a buckwheat pancake has in it nutritionally and that Panera sandwiches are loaded with calories and if I’m full 3/4s of the way through one, stuffing the last bit in would add a ton more calories that I don’t have budgeted.  That felt good, leaving it behind, giving the chips I didn’t want away, marking it off and going on to think about other things for a bit.
Now, I have plans for dinner that involve food I already have in the freezer (VEGETABLES ALSO HOMG!) and that will, I assume, keep close to the SparkPeople guidelines and keep me rolling along for another day on this challenge.  I got the WiiActive 2 and have already done the first day’s exercise which wasn’t really bad at all since you don’t have to hang onto that remote and sweat all over it.  Also, we’ve gotten the front rooms of the house ridiculously clean (in relative terms) and despite the fact this was the reason I got so grumpy today – someone marching in and taking over the cleanup job and being critical – I’m delighted, de-fucking-lighted that we have space in here and it’s warm again and it feels like a new year is happening.
A real new year with last year’s hangups not so braided into my DNA, but choices instead, that I can make or choose not to make and consequences I can foresee and avoid.  Rad!