We asked the electric Company

 

 

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Where did the power come from?

My teeth are not, after being reviewed, x-rayed, and cleaned by knowledgeable and pleasant dental technicians, broken beyond repair.  My gums are not garish, slit cherry compote studded with shards of dissolving antacids for teeth.  They look good.  They are not shocking, they do not cause onlookers to shriek out in fright.  I don’t have wisdom teeth to pull.

I did not have any sort of panic about the fact that I have just enough money to do this as part and parcel of the larger financial issues (that I did not cause and I cannot rectify until I leave my position), that I had to rush out of work in the middle of the day to check this.  That I had to get x-rays which always pulls my trigger.  I did not spaz out even though the route to the dentist’s office was all detours and delays.  It was, as it always is, more doable than it seemed at the outset.  This does give me a sense of peace I was not expecting to have this evening.

Another surprise was that as I continue to at least let my fingers brush over the MyFitnessPal app, I felt the need to weigh myself this morning.  I was quite surprised to see that according to that fickle beast, I have not gained any weight since my last weigh-in.  In fact, I’ve lost another pound so I’m down 15 lbs since January.  The sister noted that it’s probably due to the second job where I am on my feet quite a bit.  Frankly, I don’t know how this is possible.  But here it is.  And I am not going to cast it aside even if I’m not sure how to improve it at the moment.  It’s a piece of good news and I will rub it till it gleams.

I have decided not to work on my application tonight for the new job.  I’m too emotional, too scattershot, too in my own head about a few things and I’m liable to dash it off without thinking and I’m at the point where this particular job sounds like it’s a good thing and I’d like to give it my best shot rather than pretend I don’t care.   It will be okay not to get it, but it would also be very good if I had something stable, full-time and satisfactory money-wise to be shifting into.  Because right now, my brain is shifting even if it has nowhere to go.

Today was a good day, however, I am also really frustrated about the whole lesson I’m being given while being in this singles community, that if you’re not dating anyone, and you don’t immediately leap at the chance to date the person who knocks on your message box, well, you’re manipulating the situation to wait for someone better to come along.

It’s one thing if I were to be hanging out with you, complimenting you, building anything more than chatter, and also trying to flirt wildly with everyone else.  But I’m just here in the group and now I feel like I can’t even comment to anyone else or it’s like I’m saying I’m picking that dude.  When I’m not picking anyone! There’s nobody at the moment I want to pick! Pick for what? Ugh!

I suppose it does come down to saying, sorry, Charlie, you’re not the one for me.  Can’t some other girl just do me a solid and fall in love with him like has always happened in the past?  Come on geeky ladieeeesz.

Sailing the Panacea

natural-remedy-c-1327831-639x497Odd.  Odd.  Odd.

I have decided because I feel so…inert, so worried, so overwhelmed by the whole growing up with so much unreliability taking place right at the moment I need it to be steady, that I have to do something.   I have to knock the negative energy somewhere, even if it’s only going to roll back downhill at me.

So, suffice it to say, regardless of knowing whether or not I have insurance to cover it, I’ve got a dental appointment next week.   Wednesday.  I have no clear understanding as to whether or not I should be rushing to get there, demanding that they clear the decks and throw me on the table.   I only know that I was sort of questioning whether or not I would just wait it out until the end of October, and that…that seemed like a bad call.  Maybe it would improve as it has before, and maybe it wouldn’t, but with all my care and good intentions brushing and flossing and rinsing of late, I haven’t been able to do anything but just keep it bearable.  So, I have an appointment for a cleaning and an exam and I am frustrated as fuck that it might be a big financial wallop when I have been walloped back and forth and right and left these days, but you know…the instant I got off the phone with the scheduler, I felt lighter.

Not better, but at least not just sitting here dwelling on the damage taking place. At least I can say I’ve made an honest effort to get my mouth looked after, and that after Wednesday, I’ll be feeling differently than I do now which is crappy.  Crap-pee to the point where I can’t get motivated elseways at all.  I do feel 10% closer to returning to my body and my progress forward on this earth.

And of course, not but a few moments later, I get a sorta hello from You! Of all people, you! I mean, I am not going to reply back until I get the full hello because I refuse to get gleeful about what could just end up being another kick in the head after a month of this particular correspondent being incommunicado.  It’s a click of a button, not anything more taxing than that.  It is an incredible coincidence, of course, that I have a brief burst of positivity and another follows along to shore it up.  It’s enough to give your Pollyanna a bit of a smile.   How odd, though, to choose arbitrarily to assert one’s presence on a Thursday afternoon when it was just as easily left alone.

It’s a good thing I don’t care at all, isn’t it?

Elsewise, I have another job to do tomorrow.  I’ve got food to eat and I’m ready to go steam long dresses I will never own. Today also allowed me to see my beloved aunt, my beloved mother, my beloved father.   Life just carrying on, sweetly as it does.  My mother is feeling well enough to go back to work – for a half day, just to see.  She had just about given away all those clothes.

A Cambric Shirt

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OK.

I hate when I don’t feel well because I freak myself out about it so much.  I try and not feel well and I try and talk myself out of it and so anything that is off feels like evidence of imminent death.  Every story I’ve heard, every recent dental struggle, suddenly has become my own. It is not excessively painful.  It is just painful.  I am just aware that it is not right.

I know it is important to take care of.  This was exactly what happened the first time.  Sort of.  And sort of what happened the time before except that time I got it checked and then it went away on its own.  But now it’s in my head, so to speak, the worry.  And I’m starting to find myself willing to go even if they’re going to talk about the wisdom tooth/teeth extraction and that’s spinning me into a bit of a whirlwind conceptually even if it doesn’t remotely hurt on that side right now at all.  So.  Okay.  I’m just starting to find myself capable of being an adult about the issue and dealing with it, but then I’m deflated about the work dental insurance and if I can’t use that, it’s a huge financial deal and I can’t just hi-dilly-ho to the dentist and rack up a bill that I can’t easily pay.

Maybe part of that is just a delaying tactic on the whole “deal with the hard places” wherein I have to go to the boss and say, hey, I don’t think I have insurance…can you check?  And then if I don’t, then, figure out about getting some and then deal with this idle thought that hell is going to break loose if I get myself taken care of.

And I’m now on vacation.  Sort of.  So I don’t know.

I’m pushing a lot these days and suddenly, I find it hard as fuck to push.  I gotta call my mom.  I texted before the test and heard nothing and I have this idea in my head, that fits so neatly into the drama of everything going wrong now, that it’s because something is so bad that nobody’s talking about it.

My sister made biscuits.  Cheddar biscuits and I am wanting to sink into the sheets and fight my way through these short-term blues.  Just loll my head around and moan and twitch and eventually crash into a sleep laden with dream.  The hypochondria is the worst.  It’s the worst.  If you can sleep, you can at least stop wondering if it’s the last sleep and you are just idly typing away your last post, laughing to yourself at how silly you are when Death and his unforgiving scythe is hanging out in the periphery of your view.

I know that it’s just an aggregation of aggravation.  It is not my life or me or a new paradigm.  It’s just asking me for more than to watch it happen and that’s okay.  Sometimes I like to be engaged in the business of being.

 

Fleet of Foot

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And all over the map.

Okay, fair warning to everyone, this is just going to be even more complainy and irritable than usual.  Just FYI.  I just need to deal with what I need to deal with so I can take a breath.  The tempest in my teacup.

My hands feel stiff, after spending all day feeling 50% convinced that my mouth/jaw situation was getting better and mostly forgetting about it, I now am clenched and aching and zapping in pain and horrified and…then, fine, okay, bearable, distracted.

I am working on accepting that the causes I have identified have lead to the negative experience I am having rather than UGH, AH, I JUST FEEL NO GOOD.

These include:

  • Double my usual dose of soda today.
  • Eating nothing good for me whatsoever.
  • Stress beaming out of every orifice I got.
  • Hormones nailing me on the cross of bones that bear my flesh.
  • I haven’t found the mouthguard.
  • I haven’t looked.
  • It’s just Murphy’s Law.
  • I have not had the things I want to distract me around to distract me.
  • Just because the hard and dark places are identified around us, doesn’t mean we always are able to march into their doors with steel-toed boots.   Sometimes we have to crab-crawl backwards so we don’t know the moment we are in from the moment we are out.

I had another of yesterday’s illuminating boss conversations with my mentor.  I didn’t expect and I did not receive some super special job offer to just throw off my shackles and work at the shop in a descriptionless capacity for what I am making now.   Just, y’know, social media dilettante consultant to the stars who will just run the register but get this massive pay raise because we like her so much.

Despite how much easier it would make my life right now.

Even if there are specific reasons that she could not make long-term offers to me in the first place, even if she would be delighted to do that were it possible.  Even if…that did not happen.

Instead, we mostly talked about people I could talk to and what now that, I guess, I am officially calling it open-season on job hunting.

This includes her getting in touch with a high-powered mutual friend of ours who came from our small town and has worked her way up in the universe with no small dose of ambition (backed up, of course, by being very good at what she does.)

I do have this moment of wondering whether or not I want to do anything related to what field this woman works in – education, though not as a teacher – or if the idea of working someplace downtown is prohibitive or, or, or…but information gathering will not harm me.  Right now, having conversations feels a heck of a lot better than scurrying to pull up job search websites and throw mental darts at listings.  At any rate, I’m going to have my resume and we’ll all do lunch and it’ll be like adults do these things.

When Something Got Said

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It’s all I can do not to fall into cliches, but perhaps I might as well. Because if it ain’t one thing, it is assuredly another.

The mouth/jaw thing is not unbearable, but it has not, thus far improved.  Doesn’t hurt at all to chew, or talk, just mostly to close and clamp my teeth together.  Which you don’t think about doing until you realize that when you do it, your jaws feel all numb and sore at the same time and the teeth don’t like it.  So need desperately to do it and it feels all kinds of nope.

So another night of careful care.  Maybe dig out that night guard I got a jillion years ago and never used because it’s awful.

While all of that has been on my mind and has punctured a bit of a delightful day, I continue to think as positively as the hormones and hypochondriacal panic will allow.

It was not delightful in that we had cakes and pedicures and went shopping today, it was delightful in that I had an honest conversation with the boss and I know what her intentions are.  And mostly, she doesn’t know what she intends, but as a part of that, she doesn’t anticipate full-time being a viable possibility in October.

It was sort of not what I expected and exactly what I expected at the same time.  I had kind of been dreading it because I wasn’t sure what clarity I would get or if I’d feel coerced on some level into offering up something I didn’t want to offer in terms of my own plans and goals  And I didn’t have to do that because it was clear.  I can’t anticipate actually getting back to where I was financially, hours-wise in my position any time soon.   We all wish it were otherwise, but it’s not and nobody pretended it was.  I told her it was okay, but I just needed to know and I hadn’t made any plans or decisions, but I had been talking with retail boss and in general and I just had to see how my time needed to go because right now, it’s just not working.  I actually said that the status quo wasn’t enough.  And she, really, patently, truly said, and I want so much more for you.  Then we talked about social media writing and freelance writing and that she hears about those work-from-home opportunities to write and she thinks of me.  I talked about perhaps other things are best for the organization, a part-time bookkeeper.  That, I hadn’t been looking, but the experiences I’d been having lately – borrowing money from my parents (as I do intend to pay the money I was given back) – had made me think. I was firm and clear and said I just wanted to keep the conversation open.  She agreed.

I sort of thought as I was walking home, carefully not grinding my teeth and managing a whole rainbow of mood swings, that maybe she didn’t mean it.  Maybe she was grinding her teeth and hating my guts for thinking about walking away.  But that’s her business and nothing she said actually indicated that and I am way too tired and achey for subtext.  Right now it feels freer and more productive just to openly contemplate moving on.

If only the rest of my body would hear this good news.

But I’ve cleaned the kitchen and wrote this post and am now not going to belong to anything for a good eight to twelve hours.

Help Is Coming One Day Late: Day Two Hundred Eighty-One

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You want to begin and you want to know the five hundred perfect words that will make a day live a second time in print.  That will provide thesis, evidence, and conclusion.

But when it comes to today, to the state and nature of my heart, I have no idea.  I just got myself home after more random, unnecessary and bizarre stops after staying at work until seven.  I needed to because I took an hour and a half of sick time to get my teeth cleaned this morning (this went well, apparently, my mouth is holding steady and I need it to do that right now because I can’t handle another oral disaster.  Ahem.  I also saw a girl I knew/was a member of what would have to be our high school’s version of The Heathers, but she remembered me and said hello! This was nice and it went too quickly for us to have any time to “catch up” or to feel awkward.  I was just going to pretend I didn’t realize who it was, she, like everyone else has married since then, but the fact that I wasn’t completely forgotten by someone in school was a good feeling.

In normal times and places, I shouldn’t need to have to do this work late, come in early scramble, but I couldn’t even begin to get to the point today where I could show CurrentBoss how to do the process and this is the only time this month I do it – the very last time in my job where I run through all the details and turn over the books.  So I don’t know, I don’t want to be the kind of girl who walks away shrugging her shoulders.

And ultimately, I don’t have to be – I could come in weekends, volunteer to help the new person for months.  But shit, I don’t want to. At all.  Not even I do not want to look backwards.  I feel sure I will be instantly converted into a pillar of salt and if I can just believe my way past it, I’ll get to some plateau of mental re-assurance.  I want the cleaver knife to fall on October 31st and the world of what is and the world of what shall be shall be cut asunder and never to meet again.

Of course, in a universe of Facebook and email, it’s hard to get far enough away that I won’t somehow be touched by the magical power that place I work at holds.  A power I see warping CurrentBoss already, to my chagrin. And they’re looking to hire two people to do my job which I suppose is something I should find as positive comment on my work ethic, but right now, I just find dispiriting and deflating.

Me, I’m just trying to get my mess manageable and spend my time thinking about pretty, derelict boys who will soon be more dust in more wind before diving into the air myself.

Your Blue Eyes Blacked: Day One Hundred Eighty-Four

74587_7207It is entirely possible for me to write five hundred words strictly about my trip to the dentist today.  I am wondering where that will leave me in the end, though, if half of that is just wordsmithing the facts rather than reaching for context, rather than trying to make something wearable out of all these disjointed scraps and squares of life.

So, without making it more than it is, I fretted about going to the dentist, wanted to not have to go (mainly because I didn’t want the shitty news that my teeth – those metaphorical dream-carriers of self-worth – were all going to have to be yanked out of my head.  Immediately and without anesthetic! They’d chase me around the table with a pair of rusty pliers while I do my best Bill Murray in Little Shop of Horrors.   I laughed at those ideas, but yet, still carried them around in my pocket, so by the time I cruised into the parking lot, I was unhelpfully tense.  I started paying extra attention to the feeling of drills and water suction and the fly dancing around on the ceiling.  I started to think what if I had a seizure or a panic attack while this very pleasant hygienist has her rubber-gloved fingers and this scraping needle inside my head.  But then, I remembered how many times I’ve done this, that it wasn’t new and the only reason I would have any incident at all would be if I provoked it.  So, whatever techniques I used, mostly just doing what I could to pay attention to the Top 40 radio and remember the fact that I had tomorrow off, so this was just the last barrier between me and 24 hours of quasi-freedom.

Needlessly long story short, my teeth are not fine…per se, but they are not worse than the last time they were cleaned and they are not falling or requiring (save for the little wisdom tooth that may eventually have to go) pulling.  We can continue to “watch them” and I can continue to try and maintain my regimen of dental hygiene that I get is necessary, but feels like an awful lot of crap I have to do to maintain just one orifice.  At least for a few more months until the Doctor has to put his or her hands in my face and start insisting on things. And in the interim, I’m double-fisting kettle corn.

Sigh.

Everything else was positive, I got things accomplished, not everything, but a chunk of critical tasks were completed.  I feel okay about not being there tomorrow, no major anxiety.  I feel like I can spend the day thinking about other things – mainly Italy and Atlanta and boys and the goddamned Supreme Court.  So that’s something.

I am thinking about diet and exercise and walking more, but a good part of me right now is just really enjoying not worrying about that.  I need to worry, I want to have a body that can take what I want to put it through, but I selfishly, short-sightedly, I am happy to just get off the wheel for a second.