Gotta Get Down on Friday

pexels-photo (8)Well, hells bells, mes amis, we have made our way to Friday night.

I forewent a monk-made chocolate truffle at lunch, but have unfortunately helped myself to a second serving of ice cream.  I don’t know why I feel so confessional about it.  I just need a place to say it and the thought of maintaining a second blog just to write things about what I shouldn’t buy the ice cream, really, because it’s impossible to really see how much you are allowed to eat.  But I know that I have committed myself to two doses and this means I must get on the bike and bike…aggressively.

I wish I could just transcend the whole PMS, eat like a maniac and

Today was stressful, but not in any particular way significantly differently stressful, so I don’t know why I felt like I was on this vast expanse of pins and needles and strewn eggshells from the moment I woke up.  If I had to guess, yes, we had an important visitor reviewing files and documents and all sorts of things from our deeply, deeply, wholly not-great year.  But we had things accessible enough, explainable enough, logical enough to at least answer what needed to be answered (so far, they might not be done yet) that everyone seems okay.   I wish I could just chill about any of it.  I keep worrying over my responsibilities, things I’ve tried hard to keep up with all year, something I didn’t realize having been forgotten.  Especially with everything we’ve had to hold together to keep everything running.  I felt the whole body tension and felt no impulse to let go of it.  I was just freaked out and concerned and I am trying to say, it’s Friday, you’re home, you’re full of ice cream and about to go get on a bike/play a shitton of video games and forget about it.  But I still feel the vise grip of something somewhere is going wrong.

I just got the whole wallop of emotions.  You can bleed every month for decades, you can get a notification on your phone that says, “HEY, ABOUT NOW, YOU ARE GOING TO GO ALL OFF-SCRIPT AND WONKY! SO…LOOK OUT!” and still go, Jesus, I am an utter mess right now.

Which is not to say, never to say, there weren’t bright spots.  I spoke to my mentor and I’m going to the ol’ stomping grounds to see her either before or after the Galentine’s Day party.  It was great to hear her voice and I noticed the way I sounded much more relaxed and confident just talking to her.

It helps just to say that you feel out of control.  It’s only one day’s worth of out of controlness.  And the whirling is mainly 1/2 cup of ice cream and some bad ideas about what makes a lady a lady (hint: it’s being perfect, obviously) and a desire to eat tacos until I explode.  I have only caved to one of these absurdities.


Leotards and Unitards

*This was written in full yesterday, but is being published today when the internet returned.  I probably would write something different and more cogent now, in the fresh light of day, but for my purposes, it was done.

The internet is not working and I am despairing. One assumes and at this point, one desperately hopes, that the internet will return this evening and that you will be reading this within the 24-hour time frame and that I won’t be adding this after the fact. Can’t even play Civilization V or check my email. These are the terrors of the modern era.

Well! I’ll finish up with this as best I can and go take a bath.

My sister is not caring that the internet is not up and you can blame her – wholly and entirely – for not having this post done on time. She is not at all helping to resolve this matter that is destroying my calm and making me want to punch her and whole nations collectively in the face until my arm falls off from punching. So severe is my disconnected rage. I’ve been listening to as much Answer Me This podcast in an attempt to distract me or pass the time, but I’m starting to get very tired at the moment and I just want to fall off, but I can’t because we’re all assuming that the internet will somehow magically just turn up again when ALL SHE HAS TO DO IS AT LEAST TRY RESTARTING HER COMPUTER. I’ve been scampering around trying to unplug the router, but that’s done absolutely fuck all and I have no other solutions and being ignored is beyond frustrating.

I can start to feel the heat behind my eyes. My jaw is clenching up and I just want everyone to die in a fire beyond the fires of mere internet memes.

When I began this post, I was much more cheerful, but that was hours ago and I was hopeful then. Still, I am enduring and have borne the excessive weight of Monday morning. I emailed the gynecologist and I emailed the meteorologist over the weekend. Maybe I’d like to see if they emailed me back, not that they will have and not that I’d be remotely interested in anything they have to say, but I am curious. Sue me, I am.

Also, I did want to check the information that was posted on Facebook about my ten year reunion (fuck) details. Apparently, there was a group of people who were put in charge of that project ten years ago and here they are, finding me on FB and letting me know what’s what. While I generally hate all of everything, right now, I can’t even be arsed to be irritated about the 10 year reunion because they’ve gone out of their way to make it actually sound fun and pleasant that it’s just on a Saturday at a local pizza joint.

Well. This is a hideous terrible post written in Microsoft Works – ugh to start! – and I apologize. I really can’t bear my own skin at the moment and the bath has made it worse and I just want to go, go, go the fuck out of here.