Light Deer: Day 29

.2 is nothing in the great scheme of things.  It is nothing in even the small scheme of small things that I eyeball everyday in the hopes of sudden, total transformation.   But it appeared.  An offering in the face of a wavering, tired spirit.  A .2 proof Balm of Gilead.   I lost .2, and it may well be that .2 will return in the morning, a fluke, a blip, a never-was.  But for now, it is what I need to seal off that crack in my cast-iron will.

Things can change.  Things do change.  Things transform wholly and utterly without our consent.  And over time, will can mold the future, too.

I will not give up even if come June 15, I am not at my goal. I’ll just move the goal posts, start from where I am and pick a new goal.

But I will think positively and I will get done the things I need to get done upon which I will elaborate below.

Before the concert, I’d like to get my hair dyed/cut and I think I can get that done tomorrow.   We’ll see what I end up wearing, but I’ll have happy hair.  Happy hair can resolve a multitude of sins and potential emo weepiness which I will do my damndest to circumvent, but we’re right in the ring of fire (oh, god, that’s the most apt and terrible analogy ever for pre-menstrual behavior) and I may be horrible to be around.  Let’s just say right here and now and before all the ever-present spirits and forces of the universe that I am not going to be a snot or an asshole or a bitch despite what the hormones within may demand of me and despite some pretty-rage inducing logistics.

The lesson I never learn but seems most necessary for me to learn is that I don’t always have control.  Sometimes I have great intentions, but the results don’t turn out.  I just want to release the clamp on what this experience will be like.  I just always want to not be left behind, in awkward positions, in weird places that I’m not familiar with how to navigate and so new situations don’t come at me as much as they should so that I get comfortable with the great maybeness of life.

What I’m saying in this vague way is that I want to get to the concert at the right time to be in front and I want to have enough to eat and drink that day so that I can enjoy the show without panicking about passing out and what not and I want my sister to be calm and relaxed and enjoy it as much as I do so that we can hang about and get autographs and I can then go home and back to my regularly scheduled programming with the glories rattling round in my head and the fear conquered.

That’s the plan.  There is no control, but this:  your life is yours.  Unhappiness and happiness.  Turn your head, gulp, and turn back.

Today: 157.2
Yesterday: 157.4 oh ho ho
Goal: 155 by June 15

 

Small Bites

Well, hidey-ho!  I think some of you or some of me was pretty sure that I’d not show up today.  Well, I don’t know.  I mean, I knew I’d be here but I wasn’t entirely sure if it would somehow be weird or mean less or not feel like it counts in the same way.  But everything counts.  The smallest cobbling together of willpower and accidentally not flaking out and getting lucky and just happening to have to deal with some bizarre situations can add up to mean that you’re suddenly where you want to be.

Suddenly, I’m where I want to be.  At least in the mental sense.  Physically, I’m in my old room at my parents’ house waiting out the heating guy who should call us tomorrow, I would think, after the holiday.  I don’t want to be at home, freezing, but I am looking forward to getting the furnace looked at and fixed and then working more on the house.  I was doing so well with my cleaning at night and being excited and revved up about it and then, situations – life, I suppose – have intervened and suddenly the whole place feels torn up again so that other “better” people can come over and clean it “properly.”   But that’s a stupid frustration that doesn’t mean anything other than me wanting control and ownership and the praise I would supposedly get for cleaning the house top to bottom and making it perfect, which is, admittedly, something I would never do.

So having gotten over my first emo convulsion of the new year, I realized that I had sort of made a commitment in the same way I committed to writing.  This commitment is about doing something with myself to lose weight and feel better.   If I was committed, that meant I had to take some kind of action today otherwise it’s just another resolution crashing and burning before it even gets out of the gate.  I need accountability and a method, just like I needed this site and the concept of 500 words.  So, I’m sparkpeopling it again.  I’m doing their 28-day bootcamp along with, I assume, hundreds of thousands of people out in the world who want to be back on track as the new year opens up.  This means exercising.  Not a lot, but a little bit every day.  At least ten minutes which is also like the five hundred words in that it seems like a lot until you get into it and then you realize you could just keep going and going and it’s as natural as swimming to a fish.

So I’ve done today’s exercise, I’ve eaten reasonably and am drinking water.  I need to finish the cup over there, actually.  I’ve taken before pictures.  I have all the tools, I have no limitations but my own brain and my own feelings.  It’s a matter, really, in the end, of letting it happen.

I can get so scared that being skinny is a loss of control.  Being healthy means facing the possibility that you might be unhealthy.  The anxiety and unhealthiness is in control.  Not me.

And today, I’m doing a little bit to take it back.

I’m here! And you are too!

And I think, just so I’m official, if we’re trying this again: I will participate in wordpress’ daily blog challenge thing, too.  Might as well if we’re already taking on the universe.