Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea


You kind of knew it would be a great day when you go downstairs and your car has a yellow sticker on it notifying that you have expired plates and if you don’t move it in two days, it’ll be towed.  My tags are enroute, though have not currently arrived, and the sticker left big gooey marks and remaining paper on the window.  I am hoping that my printout that tells the authorities I am not outside the law will be readable by punkass parking attendants who apparently have no idea that I’ve parked here for years and years and years and it isn’t even fifteen days after the expiry.  Fffff.   If it gets towed, that’s some…I don’t even want…

Okay.  Sigh.

(Although, this morning I attempted and discovered that another skirt fit – oddly, imperfectly with hemlines not precisely sitting where the designer intended, but the skirt was able to zip and provide body coverage…so maybe these things balance out?)

Then, a bit of focused work for once.  Ate some well-tracked chili because I was too hungry to just not eat anything for lunch the way I thought perhaps I might be able to.  Imagine – a body that requires feeding.  Handled a few things on my checklist and then worried my way to the Dentist where despite being early, everything was hectic for them and grumpy.  The receptionist was lovely in the face of it, but I was trying to determine if I even had enough money for them to do me the favor of telling me to brush my teeth more (and better, and for real, because like, it’s serious) and feeling jumpy because I was not in any of my new comfort zones…and I was at the goddamned dentist when in comes this dude in a hoodie and I can see from my seated position that he has a gun.

I mean, I don’t know this guy from Adam, my appointment should have started ten minutes ago and I’m wondering if I’m supposed to be shouting something to protect the nice receptionist and her obviously less nice colleague.  I actually, uh, stood up and considered asking for a bathroom when they cleared up whatever issue the guy had (it was nothing to do with dental work) and sent him on his merry way.  Then, I got to go back and deal with the overbooked hygienist who could clearly not give two shits about my day or anxieties and basically tells me that my four month delayed appointment means that my mouth is full of evil spirits.   The actual dentist comes in for two seconds, pokes around a bit, yep, evil spirits, take some Listerine and mean it.

I, being me, am petrified at my mouth failings and have already held my cool together as long and as far as I can, swear on anybody’s grave I can think of that I will brush my teeth for hours and floss for years and bathe in Listerine, drink it with my new all-vegan, acid-free diet of calcium tablets and blow.   Whatever it takes to have them not decide they need to suddenly extract the wisdom tooth or add another charge for the privilege of breathing at me.

So. That done, I went and walked a quick mile around my parents house.  I would have done more, but I had to pee to the point of pain and was no longer seeing the positive benefits of alone time if alone time meant time to think.

Because when I get that quiet time lately, I think things like, “Hmm, do I have any opinion on Valentine’s Day?”  And my immediate reply is: “My opinion is fuck you.”

Mostly, I’ve been grumpy about the short-term financial stuff that I really can’t talk to anyone about either because they don’t need to know because they’ll wig out at me and tell me their opinion of what I absolutely have to do right now without any background detail.  All solutions I don’t need and am not willing to do.  Or they already know and they can’t do anything about it and it’ll just be upsetting and frustrating to be told it can’t be helped yet again. And they’ll be worried and sad themselves about it, like a fresh scab picked at too soon.  So I’ll see that energy and I will try and cosset and calm them down about it and again…don’t want to do that at all.

So.  Yeah.  I don’t have what I need right now.  I want to get things…like food…and I’m contemplating getting them and I keep realizing I can’t and how painful and exhausting this would be for someone to have to live with every single day instead of the few more days this month I have to do it.

And maybe this will keep me from running to eat something inappropriate to deal with life right now.    Instead, rice, chicken, some kind of magically present vegetable and a bit of hope that the milk hasn’t gone off.

In the Milk

Another Friday night.

Another eerie approach to the page.  It’s cold now, emphatically, demandingly cold.  Our heat is not on and it needs to be.

I am drifting in time and space.  I think I might be getting sick.  I think I’d like to be getting sick because it would make more sense than the rest of this  ennui.

I don’t know how I can dig deep and offer up something warm and creative and fulfilling for you.  Literary oatmeal.   I kind of want to spit a couple stray letters and be done.  But that seems to involve effort.

This is essentially a post about self-care, going fallow, shutting up, calming down, letting myself relax.

Tonight, after work, my boss asked if I would go to our post-work event.  I wasn’t planning on it.  I was desperate for Friday night, for not focusing on the constant slog of work stress, and then with the onset of this hated, tragic, monstrous snow and cold weather, but when he asked, I didn’t feel like I had a good reason not to go.  That and I couldn’t precisely remember the last time I’d gone to one and most importantly, it was at a place where the goal was to paint.

Weird.  There were probably about a hundred people there and I was fussing about my shirt, my bra, feeling bloated and single and irritable.  But then I got my easel and canvas and my paint and I let myself focus on this.  This little frame and what I could do with it.  And so I painted a sky of purple and pink and red over a bit of a pre-determined branch and this little thing, this quick project brought me back to art class in school and a good part of myself.  It was fun and I hope I go back and do it again on a less crowded night.

After that, more home, more Chipotle, more wedding dress shows, more blah, bad feelings.  Wonderful.  Completely unhelpful in the larger sense, but right now?  Right now, I’m finishing up my chai, going to watch A Guy From Harlem, zone.

I just don’t want to encapsulate anything.  I just want to be in medias res.  I just want to pause time and wake up and start on whatever it is I’ll decide to start on because right now I’m focusing on not getting too down or caught up in planning.  I just want to be free of all of that for one minute, of being independent and in charge.  I was considering going over to my parents, attempting, for a few hours to get some wine and coddling.  But by the time I got home, the lightest snow was starting to fall and I had my dinner and going over there to sit in silence since they’d both be in bed versus not having to haul anything and getting to sit in silence over here made the choice pretty clear.

Me time is lame, especially for me, but it’s so necessary right now.  So necessary just to remember I’m human and I can’t run forever on fumes.