A friend – a good online acquaintance – I used to watch MST3K with passed away last week, though word reached us through social media today. Nobody knows why…she was only 42. It just, it seems, happened.
I am thinking of her and the conversations we had, the buoying she did for me and I attempted to do for her. She was one of those people who if she got the sense that you might be friends…you were. You didn’t have to awkwardly negotiate it. You just got pulled in, under the wing. She wanted no one left out. Even if I got the sense at times, perhaps because I understand this mind, that she poured out her soul for people who never did the same for her. She spoke about being weird and strange and that she was entirely at terms with all of her quirks and eccentricities. It would be up to the man she was looking for to come capable of taking all of it on board, and she would take the path she took and wait for him to get there.
She felt always so strong and brave to me. To have such boundless energy, but to be able to bind it, now and again, with this clear-eyed sense of self. Of what she deserved. If she was sad about being a single person, she was also a thousand other things – to and for other people and to and for herself.
If her death is without meaning, her life overflows with it. I want to take some of that with me now, Ms. K, as I stand on the daily precipice of my life.
Because like it or not, it is an edge. It always is – be it the risks we’ve mapped or the ones we haven’t. I found out from the kind PA that my labs and tests are normal, save for elevated thyroid which makes sense given my symptoms. There are things to do about that which I will surely learn about and which will benefit me.
I just have to finish this post – now several days on and I can begin to say a bit more.