Improvident: Day 35

I’m in relatively neutral mood, save for the headache, bloody nose, and the winds of solitude roaring at the edge of infinity  As they are wont to do.

More reporting, not less, was meant to be the theme of this year.   Situate one’s self and knuckle down and review what is rather than what might be if only we were actually doing as intended.  The things we hold in our head as our guiding lights, our best intentions, our sense of our very best self.  That ain’t the map most of the day to day activity of life runs off of.  We’re a slow slog in the dark and we move towards lights to steady ourselves.  We’re all living on very sunless seas.  And it’s really only at those lights that we get any clue about the where and why and who of all it.  That we see the blood on our lapel, some injury incurred along the way.  That we glance back and see on the far-distant horizon, some blip that we can say, that’s where I was.  That we can glance forward and make out some tiny scar of illumination, take a deep breath and move forward.
It can be pretty debilitating to have to realize that’s about all the options you have.  Flail in darkness or take the long trail of beacons to no clear end beyond being further from where you are now.  But it’s true.
So I’m dieting.  I’m altering my diet until I go to ECCC. Because I would like to be there and not have the full sense of negative self-regard that always follows me on trips amongst geek-kind.
We’ll see how it goes.  It’s only day 4 of doing so.  I just am not doing the wrong thing for a hot minute and that’s nice enough on its own.  If I could figure out this sleep thing.  I don’t drink caffeine and I am USELESS during the day.  I drink it even in slight amounts and I yawn my way to 1:30 in the morning and have to scrape myself with a pallet knife to be mildly functional at 7.  I ought to be up at 6, honestly, to do life properly.  I have never been able to do life properly.
No Dimash on that random-ass talent show.  Maybe Wednesday.  I am all half-thoughts.  I am distracted by not writing the thing I want to write.  Another waiting game.
Best thing is go to bed now.

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