Take yourself to task. There were far too many items in the washing machine and it damn near exploded.
The cat is slurping as she washes herself over and over again on the floor. I am not sure how to make this post today.
I’ve been trying to be creative and limit social media today. This has been not an altogether successful mission, but lately, I’ve been feeling the sense of doing such a thing. I’m feeling bombarded, both in good ways and bad, by ideas. Things to worry about. Things to do. Things I could think about and build into other things I’m trying to be creative and achieve. And it has become more than the small dustpan of my mind can handle. So I have taken a certain percentage of the day to do what I do best, and that is, fuck all.
This, when it doesn’t coincide with someone’s plans, can be…a touchy thing. We so rarely have touchy things. But he says nothing and I say, tell me if you’re tired and want to sleep and aren’t going to go to bed unless we speak. Don’t wait around for me. I’m not…as I’ve heard it said…your girlfriend. I am bending over backwards as it is to be generally available, to be generally present and picking up the phone. A few hours without having to drop my train of thought to get on yours is all I’m asking. One night to not have to live the reality of this half-fulfilled existence, to take my ball and go home.
Instead, writing projects. Instead, some MST3K. Some Sunless Skies once I worked that little bug out. Some not giving into sugar and carbs so I can say Day 2 of the low-carb till ECCC plan is actually happening. Going into a few fugue states – metaphorical ones, in actuality, more of a Pinterest freefall for writing inspiration that is a really bad idea on a number of levels. More of that digital overwhelm when I just need to rely on my own brain to think up the details rather than relying on constant predigested inspiration. That’s the worst, least effective kind.
Tomorrow: we cook. We see my mother and I square how she sounded on the phone with how she looks. Nobody’s called me so, I’m assuming it’s okay for now. Like she said, what else can you do? Like Prof. Brian Cox said, the forward motion of time is a constant: everybody’s going to tomorrow, there’s no getting around it.
Let’s wrap this up and emerge from our psychic chrysalis tomorrow, fresh and awake and ready for life. I’ve picked my spells. I know what I’m needing to do. There’s some intent in the haze. Time to give myself the sleep necessary to make some of that happen. Sleep sounds really, aggressively, objectively wonderful right now. I think I am going to close this laptop up just after I press post and try and make shit happen in the land of Nod.