So yesterday was a longer post, I don’t know what tonight will bring when I really want to work on at least two other things and the thing I most want to work on is delayed until Tuesday at the earliest.
I have tasks I have to complete. I’ve been arguing in some ways with J all day as our motivations and interests collide and diverge. I need the time to think about and address my own stuff. This morning we did not do breakfast. No fancy final eggs benedict to swallow me up, however, the absence of breakfast lead to me holding firm on the idea of needing lunch. So my birthday lunch ended up being my younger sister and I eating tacos quickly and splitting the bill so we could hurry and get my mother the pho she wanted. This was important because she’s changing the chemo formula next week and things are continuing into a positive, but nebulous place. A nebulous, but positive place? One spot going away to reveal another spot. The cancer in the bone holding steady. Things not progressing, but the medicine not attacking like it should. Somehow the new medicine will be less harsh. Maybe her hair will grow back. If she wants pho, or she wants the moon, we do what is required for her to have it.
You stop thinking about needing some grand party in moments like these. You stop thinking that the day needs to hit some watermark of ego-stroking to matter. They gave me a big gift card for Amazon. They let me watch Critical Role for over an hour with nobody making too many comments. That’s lovely. If I can’t have them sitting there, engaged with something I care about, I’ll take being able to just enjoy it around them. It’s nice to feel as though I could give myself 5 seconds of not being beholden to an idea I have and how much air is in the room when I do that.
I don’t have to be made to be a princess. I have to make myself happy.
I’m doing that by writing, and slowly, painstakingly, taking care of one thing I need to take care of at a time. I’m doing that by letting myself think about the plans I made and set out in the future, how day by day they’re moving toward me…but also, I can move towards them. I can find the mechanized walkway they have in the airport and walk fast as I can on it and zoom by rather than lean on the side. A labored metaphor, but yes. I can think about what I want. And another day of Starbucks and pizza and refusing to track and pay attention to your choices is not going to make for better posts. Must lay your head down in new places to have better dreams.
Tonight before bed: find your bus pass, please. Pick out some clothes that you can wear to survive the snow. Buy the book. Charge your fitbit. Check your email. Take your hand off the stove.
Phone calls. Other things to note. I apparently leveled up in our game. I’m excited about that, given that it’s never happened before. I’m excited to be able to do more, to use the information I have.
That’s enough for you for today.