Well, here I am. Day one of 2019. Locked and loaded. Imperfect in my plans and desires but missing you all dreadfully. Every one of you my favorite voice in the Void. Me not writing last year had reasons, I suppose, but none of them ever seemed very reasonable. I just didn’t want to deal and I see now, the results of not dealing. You gain weight. You stress out. You lose hair. Your gums ache. Your heart is powdered. You exist but only on the terms of the unforgiving universe.
I would like to think we can do better than that.
So here at the start of the year, I’m not afraid of a useless five hundred a day. I’m not afraid of repetitive posts, of a whining, broken record telling me the same hopes and draining me of the same fears three hundred and sixty-five times in a row. Because somewhere in all of my nonsense, there are granules of the good stuff. Clarity and freedom and mental security where I know what I want because it’s on virtual paper.
I have grand plans for 2019 and I’m not afraid of that, either. I’m not afraid of the piping, shrill, nasal inner voice that indicates “She always has plans! And all of them go to shit!” Sure, dear critic, I have plans and want things, things that my circumstances do not warrant, things I am not trained or prepared for, things that I don’t have any way of getting – especially, when I refuse to acknowledge that I want them. I’m human. It’s okay.
And I’ve done work in 2018 to clear some paths. I’m in therapy again. I’ve got every kind of tracker imaginable and I’m joining boards and teams and taking before shots and measuring myself the way it’s suggested so I have that baseline. I’m not making any decisions on doing low-carb until after my birthday. I’m going to try and practice careful tracking and exercise and loosely reducing sugar and starch in the meantime, but I know that I am going to hit those dates and judge myself based on my behavior and I want to give myself the best chance I have. My friends are coming in a few days – 10 days – and I care more about figuring out some supportive habits that I can keep going through that than showing everyone I can be perfect. When nobody knows what I think perfect is anyway, nobody cares in that regard at all. I have what I need to do mapped out. I have things beyond just dieting and exercise that are important to me to get back into and they’re a part of this movement forward. I am here. I will be here, writing my shit out instead of leaving it somewhere lost in a fog in my brain.
J. Well, there, at least I can say that I am growing myself up. We had an adult conversation that didn’t go superlatively well. I cried a lot. He said I was wonderful, marvelous, all the things any girl would like to hear. But wouldn’t commit to the fact that we’re single, only to say that he is not in any position to meet anyone. He doesn’t want things to change. I don’t want things to change, but I know that they have to – I know that I have to have his understanding that I need a person in my life who is here. The therapist kept reiterating that’s what I need and at first, I felt frustrated, thinking that was something she thought I needed. But I can’t live a thousand years on a string. I’ve lived so long that way and it’s what I know, but it isn’t fair. It isn’t enough.
So that’s going to be a place where work has to be done.
But not today. Not everything today. Today is showing up. Cheering myself for showing up instead of being down and dire about another restart. Let’s have a lifetime of restarts and caring for myself enough to give a shit about not letting myself go to shit. Let’s have a lifetime of being a dork about it. Let’s be cliches, baby!