Never gonna happen unless it happens now.
So I know the expectation is that if I haven’t posted…it’s probably because I’ve gone off the deep-end. At least when it comes to the plans I have made for the diet.
That, I can report, is not the case.
I haven’t been here because I have been just working my way through the day. I’ve just been keeping myself relatively positive and relatively busy. Work is a bit of a…I’m going to describe it as feeling like a girl jumping across the ice floes, looking for safe passage but not able to sleep for fear that the water will swallow up the ice some morning. I just keep jumping, steadily, frogger-style, and so far, without an official boss, doing what I guess is passable. Everyone would like to be at ease. Everyone would like to be making the A grades. But not everyone can and I’m more interested in preserving my sanity and energy these days than showing up in gleaming silver.
I did have a nightmare about being yelled at by my old one. This was because I had a party to host the next day where I anticipated seeing her – she wasn’t there, I was anxious for nothing, and now we worry about the next person to bear the Sword of Damocles above my tender temples.
The diet continues apace – even with Saturday’s aggressive birthday wall-slam. Or “planned deviation” – which I swear every year I won’t do because it always screws me up and then I always do it, even harder and with even more blunt force trauma as a result, and then, I fall apart. This year, I didn’t fight the noise that I wanted a carbly sort of birthday meal. We had Mexican food. I ate in the old format of: I see it, I I eat it. I ordered tacos with a flour tortilla. I ate all the chips available to me. I ate sopapillas. I also ate, when I got home, some small portion of the sugar gummi peaches I was gifted for my birthday. But then, it was off. And I think it could only have been off so completely and entirely because I had a fridge at home full of low-carb food I was decently excited about eating. Because there wasn’t this drop-off where regardless of my desire to snap back into place, I had surrounded myself with opportunities to screw up. I wasn’t instantly goaded to test my resolve. I just had to eat what I had and distract myself. The fact that I kind of had an instant headache and an instant stomachache went some way to help matters, too. Not that this means that I am not, slightly, subtly, calmly, thinking ahead to the next mental breakdown/”planned deviation.” I am thinking perhaps for a combined Valentine’s Day, visit with my cousin in the middle of the month.
We’ll see. I also started tracking and trying to do something that shouldn’t be a tenth as hard as I make it: drink more water.
I am, as of today (which is probably why I felt encouraged to sit down at my desk and write this post), still on this wagon.