Time enough to write today?
I think there must be.
I am feeling decent. Sufficient. Improved. Supported. Free. Slightly masterful. Lots of disparate concepts, but overall: good.
I got in early to help with a meeting where I did not need to help which I have decided means I can leave a bit earlier. I paid my credit card bill.
I got requests to help from a few counterparts who really appreciated it and which I had time to focus intently upon because I am mildly without tasks, as I’ve mentioned. One of whom always said hi to me in the hallways and I would smile back and it is only at this point that I realize what her name and department is. Now, I hear she thinks I am great which is the thing that is said about someone who smiles at you when you pass in the hallway. Apparently, they need help and they don’t have help. And I can provide help and have oodles of time. I am hopeful that in some way a few well-placed favors with a few people might save my skin around here. That is the sense here, that in the end, like any society, it just works best if you go ahead and scratch someone’s back based solely on the tacit understanding that someone’s going to decide to scratch yours. Eventually. Work your nails down to the nubs and never tell anyone you’re feeling itchy. Nobody wants a job, everyone will offer a favor, so scoot along little cowgirl and try and make friends.
Trying to make friends and not just endlessly curt and awkward circuitous conversations. That’s the philosophy right now. Just befriend everyone and say yes to the grunt work because, frankly, you can handle grunt work. This higher-level tarantella everyone else seems to be able to accomplish in their high heels and pearls is not liable to be your dance. Not ever, not after years upon years of knowledge being foisted upon you and experiences to teach you better than you know right now. There will be no graceful flamenco. You just try and do-si-do and promenade, do whatever the caller asks you do and hope no one pulls out the hook while you’re on stage. I need to enjoy this time. It is awkward to try and nose about, forage for the truffle of a task to keep me from seeming like I sit at my desk and write blog posts all day. But somehow, I will end up in some spot that will demand more of me than this and I will look back and sigh that I didn’t keep it a secret so I could sit and spin on the company dime.
No. That’s not in my blood. The guilt, my friends, the unholy guilt of just trying to type this up before I go, oooh. Still, the feeling of knowing the post is done is worth a twinge or two. I like that I have that time. Having the food there is so valuable, too. So much easier just to let the refrigerator contain the wide expanse of possibilities and know that in just a few days, I’m going to restock and can make a whole fresh batch of choices so I don’t have to panic. I can already tell that when I do have another meal out, it will be something that I look forward to, that will actually contain some element of celebration and achievement in it rather than an almost burdensome excess. A demand to fill up on salt and fat and smile. Quality vs. Quantity.
In the same vein, I’ve started making some lists – looking ahead to the holidays – realizing that if I can get a few stitches in now, how much more enjoyable it would be to have
If I can figure out who needs a gift, who needs a card, well, maybe I can print the addresses on labels, maybe I can draft a general Christmassy letter that people will be pleased to read, and I can actually take care of what I always want to – which is to make people feel joyful at Christmas. I always run out of time, and in the past been embittered with the retail holiday gloom, but now, there’s a chance to both have the money and energy to be smiley and bake cookies and feel cheerful for more than just Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
Of course, this does make me mildly irritated that J is too anxious about things to come and see me and eat turkey at my table. This means I will have to be constantly pulled over those days to check in on him, mid-meal, even. I will feel a compulsion to keep one foot in each world when I am so craving the silence of my own imagination, the quietude of being untethered to a computer desk, to making jokes with the family, to the congenial world that we make when we are all together at Thanksgiving. A place he doesn’t know, and much as he would like to know it, it’s far too far a trip to consider. It seems thus. Not on a whim. But this is well past a whim, past a favor, this is…the job. The job of being together that neither of us wants to concede we’re employed at, despite finding ourselves clocking in and out everyday.
Eventually, I think I’m going to get stretched too far to come back together and I’ve never chosen this unknown world instead of my own mind to save me from being split. Really, King Solomon’s never concerned himself with my heres and theres. He is fine if I am bisected along my spine and useless everywhere they lug me.