I am ready to sing.
I am ready to sing.
on a sunday night
You will want to remember the day.
You will want to be able to scroll it back up. You will want to know the words you used. You will be curious about the thoughts that wrinkled through your mind. How suddenly the bravery appeared. But, you’ll recall how sensitively you reminded yourself as you wrote this post, that there was no bravery required.
This agonizingly slow process has made it entirely possible to be bold in the context we’ve built between us, nine months later. Nine months of feasting on famine, starving on gluttony. These are the saline-laced shores we have been sunning on and now the moon grows heavy and the sky grows dark and but the water stays placid and warm.
Should I know better? Only time will tell if I will regret what I have so long assumed I could only regret given my imperfections and the imperfections inherent in the world? As for now, I will take the compliments, I will take the long-distance resolutions. I will take the way it feels to satisfy, to deluge, to surfeit, surely, a desire not of my own making. To matter this much.
I liked it. Twas good at it. Will do it again.
What is passing for thought these days:
The way the silence feels when it feels like a physical weight, held against the tongue, that is a burden to move. That the words had better be worth the strain and generally, never are.
Being told thank you.
What enormous anxiety and suffering and self-inflicted psychic wounds can be endured until the moment it all cannot.
The tailings left behind in the name of survival.
Why anyone should trust anything at all when no one is really willing to let their hands off the guardrails in someone else’s name. Or those people are too few to truly be a significant segment of the survey.
The ebb and flow of desire. The exhaustion that can pull my heart so firmly in one direction or another.
The need of the mind to work and feed and churn and devise stratagems and observe and list.
How does it happen if not in moments like this?
I ache for one particular story and behind this wall there are the words for it.