There is the semblance of rain.
I want a therapist. I really don’t know how to deal with these feelings I’m having lately. I really don’t know how to even categorize or believe them. I need space, I get space and I feel despondent. I need time, and I get time and I’m bored and distracted and end up right back in the same circle of thoughts that is driving me mad.
The thoughts today are centered on l’homme. L’homme qui m’aime. M’aime beaucoup. Cet homme. Oui.
It’s been 9 months of fumbling around, wondering if I could say the wrong thing and suddenly I am not in the running for this experience of being de-singled. But now that whatever has happened has happened to convince him that I’m the girl, at least for the term of now right now, I don’t know what I want.
Sometimes I feel that the affection is too much, smothering, exhausting. And then, having agreed we need a break…a break which will only amount to some portion of a day and an evening, I feel empty and lonely and incredibly selfish without being able to talk to him. How you spend eons alone and pining and here’s someone who comes along and tells you all the boyfriendy stuff and for the first time in nine-ish months, now that there’s some solid ground to it all…you choke.
But at the same time, there’s the truth of the matter. You spend eons alone, crafting how you would feel if you had someone with you who wanted you romantically, how you’d be available and communicative and aware and alert to the underlying factors and concerns and when it finally happens, you don’t know…you meaning I…what the fuck to do about it all. I don’t know how to feel, and this out-of-control quality is worrying, but natural. It’s just that my situation is so…kind of singular.
And my momentary imperfect response brought up all sorts of anxiety for him and I wasn’t great in that instance of explaining myself. I wasn’t great about saying…I need to have some other sorts of conversations with you again, not because I don’t enjoy the fervent, fever-pitch of your sentiments towards me right now, but because I don’t know how to accept all of this without freaking out. Without trying to determine whether or not this means I need to ask for things I don’t know if I want yet, that I haven’t prepared for because I was still trying to decide if I was just a friend to him.
And now, having cleared all those questions right up, there’s buckets upon buckets of triggers that could send me thrillingly over the edge.
I have not checked the phone to see if the things I worried about occurring have yet occurred and been dealt with or if all holy hell has broken through and I am an unending failure. I am giving myself a few hours of not thinking this way or anyway at all.