Certain forms of hysteria have taken hold. Perhaps because I made the step to get the blog running in some sort of functional form, I have begun to think I am smart about certain things. This is not the case.
This is day two of going low-carb. Low-carb = traditional Atkins, 20 carbs or so for the first two weeks, then, we evaluate how shit is going. I feel better in a lot of ways already. The scale, as ever, is fucking with me, but it says I lost 3 pounds (yes, we can hear the yelling of WATER WEIGHT from here) overnight. I don’t know…I do know that it mattered to me to just start this. To just do it so here I am. Having had more vegetables today than I’ve had in eons. More water. And less food overall.
I still feel weird and tired (again, the shouting of transitioning and detoxing groggery can be heard for miles) and I have done bare minimums in terms of exercise. But I did do it. I did do it with nary a complaint. I will do it again tomorrow.
I keep thinking about what I want. That is one thing that my new job has really helped with. The courses I’ve taken have impressed upon me that I need a plan and I need to work the plan. Goal setting and moving in slow, steady steps towards the future. That you can actually say I want this big, overblown, challenging result and if you mete it out into little, manageable daily contributions, it would happen. That’s the issue and that’s why I’ve spent so much time avoiding finishing any of these little, manageable steps. So that I don’t end up somewhere I don’t want to be.
I’ve done this instead of deciding where I want to be and working really hard to make that happen.
I don’t know if I’ll write this way all the time, but I like that this all has just started and it isn’t January 1 and it isn’t a Monday (not yet). It’s not a perfect takeoff (I don’t imagine I could even recognize it if it was), but it’s like how with every paycheck, I’m adding to savings, already it feels significant. If I continue on, the possibility continues on. If I keep clapping, Tink still glows.
So. What I want is to be with him. Not…necessarily in terms of trying to have a partnership on a level that demands that one of us move to where the other one lives, though that doesn’t faze me as it once did, but I want a weekend. I want a day of shared space. Of mutual presence. Of figuring out if the shit in my head is anything more than shit in my head. Not putting carts before horses. But this, all of this, tells me, I gotta keep on this diet on track if this is really what I want. And I keep testing it and realizing that it is.