If I took a moment to breathe, I imagine it would not seem so nigh impossible to sit down and consider the way the day went.  I think I would be pleased to do it.

Today was the day for the Crucial Conversations class and I was actually in a relatively alright mood and not super stressed about being there, so I could put my head in the game.  This is the way us corporate drones speak nowadays, so yeah, head in game.  I knew someone who ended up being sat next to me and everyone at the table seemed pleasant if relatively willing to bitch very quickly about the other people they work with.  The time passed quickly, and I had a work partner to crucially converse with who was having an interesting work situation and it was far easier to try and tell him what I thought he should do than to try to explain about the conversation I’m still sorting out that I want to have with J.  This work partner – listening partner – is a much older man who told me he was recently divorced, pleasant, but I really didn’t feel up to pulling apart the endless vagaries of online dating and the issues I suppose I see in just being straightforward and asking for a status update.

Even if, I suppose, that’s what I need because I continue to be endlessly confused and topsy-turvy and achingly wrong about the way everything is between us right before I slam into a brick wall of, oh, wait, maybe?  It just seems like I have to be willing to throw it all away if the conversation doesn’t go precisely in one particular direction.  Because I don’t know that I can endure living this out again.  I know I’ve written it up, but this is like the point of pain, the obstacle that I know I am meant to be able to surmount in order to have the sort of life intended for me.  By, who, I have no idea, by me, I guess.

And so I think these things as I side-eye this group and these swarms of adoring fans.   And then I get an hour and a half phone call today from him.  Which is lovely and great, but not really focused on yay, us.  There is no real yay, us.  And I don’t care about a committed thing, I just need to know that I’m the one who matters.  Ugh.  That we’re marching towards trying to date.  If I’m just…a friendly conversation these days, fuck. That’s so not enough. Unless it is, ugh, I don’t know.  How do you get clarity except to talk about these things?  Maybe day two will give me what I need to actually crucially converse.

Now, I’ve read my assignment for tomorrow, I’ve been brave and checked my work email and do not see anything remotely like a hair on fire situation where I am going to be in trouble.  So those are my words and good night.

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