The Old Chestnut

I will be grateful for this in the future, I know that I will, I am grateful for it now, just to have a few months of memories to cling to.


Things I love:  that I am worth enough to them to send for training, that I am going to get a little extra sleep tonight because I’m not pushing this off until 11pm.  Icy, chilled water.  Three days of not being in the hot seat.   Feeling like the things I am trying to do right now in the name of self-improvement are small, but they will add up.  It’s like this 401k.  If we just keep putting money into it, imagine where we can get.  Just by not giving up the baseline.  Being excited to wake up tomorrow.

Old weight loss vloggers starting up again making me feel hopeful and not stressed about the ups and downs of things.  Bright, happy music.   YNAB.   My friends being clever in the chat about gross things.  Clever and unusual items arriving in the post.  Calling it the post.

Things I am grateful for: that people at work are willing to help me even if they don’t know me all that well,  the new computer that is winging its way to me, and the ability to spend just that bit more to make it precisely as I want.   This room being clean and not distracting me.  The strength of purpose and self-regard that allows me to complete this post.  Any little bit of focus.  Any tiny glimpse of a bigger picture.

That even if I don’t know what’s happening at all between us  right now, particularly as far as whether or not we’re progressing towards any sort of named, structured relationship, at the very least I have someone who feels an impulse to check in with me and send me Adam Ant songs.  Those few, rare instances where I show a little self-control.   I am grateful for this time, I am, even if it hurts a lot these days.  For those last ten little words coming quicker than one thought they would.

Wouldn’t it be nice if: I had a really plain, veggie-filled meal.  Just for a change of pace.  If my class tomorrow was not excessively over-complicated and was worth the money and time to get out there and attend.  If he would get clear on what he wanted and that it would align in some way with what I want and we would actually say these things.  If there weren’t all sorts of things to freak out about in life or that we can put those in the box and lock it up for a few hours so that there is peace in this kingdom.   If I got home and didn’t feel like I was completely wiped tomorrow and could talk to J., and if he would be in a place where his talk would delight me.  If I didn’t over-caffeinate tomorrow and drive myself mad. If I drank more water than usual.


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