But It’s Still a Feeling

I don’t feel great.  It’s snowing.  I haven’t eaten enough and what I’ve eaten has been bad news.  Caffeinated and sugary or salty.  I even quasi-tried today and got a salad – but it was a caesar salad which was so salty that the lettuce didn’t seem to play a role at all. My butt’s numb in this one spot.  I feel anxious and unpleasant and squinty-eyed.   Like all the bad eating’s come home to roost on this one day.  Like all of the things that bother me in a hypochondriacal sort of way are bothering me tenfold today and don’t have the glint of make-believe.  Raw frustration and self-concern that I can’t calm down about beyond ways in which I must calm down because life demands it.

It is not a matter of extrication.  A quiet day for both of us – quiet for me because I was forgetting meetings I was meant to be at and having conversations that my obnoxious mind held out ominously as a first strike.  That I will have to do an overnight stay with these folks somewhere not at my home is a new fact of life and I am curious about that and tired of endless meetings and reasoning I don’t understand.   Something in me was grumpy for an absence of a reply, for replies to others, for all of these unfortunate things that plague me with worry and woe.  Still, I completed the day and I was setting deadlines and bright-lines and litmus tests for affection.  If he won’t give me a bit more sugar, I’ll have to say something.   I don’t want to be like this.  I don’t want to be such a Veruca Salt.  I…I just need that vote of confidence, but I can’t seem to find the ballot box.

Then, of course, there was a flail towards me as though my innermost were being broadcast, live, and I flailed back thinking oh, geez, romance and compliments, how nice.  But then, I think, my greedy little raccoon eyes and I wanted to have a different sort of talk than the one we ended up having and then my concerns blossomed anew.

I have watched the second episode of Handmaid’s Tale, am hoping to use the weekend to catch up with Mystery Science Theatre 3000 or at least get a bit further into it.  Maybe if the snow is as minimal as it currently appears, going and doing some shopping, grabbing a couple mildly healthy items.  Arse on bike for a mildly short amount of time.

Writing.  Finding a way and place to sit to do these wonders.  Cleaning, doing laundry, minding the manor a bit.  Just giving myself a break where I can.  I would really love to have a break from my own strain. This is the joy of a Saturday yet to pass. A freedom on the wing that I will not take for granted.

I’m going  to see what sleep can do.  Magic, I hope, on all of these matters.





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