The Black Ribbon

Time for a bit of reflection.  Time for…:::drumroll::: the weekly long post.

Time to step back and breathe.

I don’t have an angle today.  It is both different and the same.  All of these plans to change my life have been interrupted by the fact that my life has entirely changed.  Sort of.

So, the guy and I are still…dancing.  Not in the way I present vague statements here, but, in pretty straightforward ways where he asks me things and I answer.  Mostly because what good is it to lie and be caught in something when I feel much safer just saying something true, if private, about myself and having it be unacceptable to someone?  I know the alternative is only to chase constantly after appearing placid and fine and “perfect” and he’s way too observant to get far that way.

It is, another one of those things I have spent years feeling I could never handle, could never verbalize, could never let anyone know even as I knew I’d have to share it at some point…and I just said it.  And he hasn’t flipped, there wasn’t a subtle sense of…damn, said too much.  It was just okay.  And now, he knows and whatever comes of it, that’s all there is to say.

Also, it is complicated now in ways that grown-up, albeit long-distance relationships are complicated.  Moods, opinions, the places in our lives where we don’t at all match up, the places where we do match up with a nice cadre of anxieties and fraught emotions and both of us dealing with heavy things at the same time.   He can have a sour streak and I am aware I can get real maudlin and over the top in response to that, see: yesterday, or, alternatively, feel exhausted by the whole endeavor and wonder how to extricate myself.   His imperfections are not obliterated by my hormones.  I don’t have the glassy-eyed, heaving sigh formulation, it’s nervous and jittery and narrow-eyed and sounds like some bird chattering far off in the trees no matter what direction you walk.  It is one of those things where you go slightly off someone when they seem to accept you.  Like, oh, if falling for someone or letting someone fall for you goes like this…let’s try again with the perfect guy.  We can do anything now, even if I can’t imagine allowing myself to be vulnerable in the way I was today without someone I’ve begun to comprehend like this.  Suddenly, my body issues feel optional.  Like, he’s seen my face, like, multiple times, I’ve seen his, we’ve talked, nobody’s made apologies and ushered themselves out. Which…what?

I think these things.  And I don’t feel so bad at all, really.  It’s too weird, it’s too weird to order and organize and stamp seals of approval on.

But at the same time, he’ll say particular things or be kind in particular ways and I go, oh, oh, oh…that’s meant for me and I respond, viscerally, to the kindness or the intelligence or the sarcasm and I feel good and grateful that I’m not actively trying to fuck it all up.

It’s just odd.  I know I go back to that word time and again.  Surreal.  Unexpected.  For something so boring, so normal, so absolutely natural and regular, it is surprising how I can feel completely put off-guard by it.  Like those glasses a color-blind person puts on and goes and cries over flowers.

It is a thing.  We spent, well, a majority of the day talking, watching movies, listening to some really funny stuff, being…however it is to be.  We are, even now, still talking.

All of this is a lot, but it’s not like there’s anything to do beyond.  We’re both in very different physical locations and there’s a lot of logistics that can’t even be considered, really.  I don’t even know if I’m mentally…there as far as thinking about trying to, like, meet up and deal face-to-face.  Even in like a, okay, in a year, saving up sort of way.  Alright, it doesn’t matter now.

There’s a lot going on in my head on top of what I was dealing with before, the jobs, no money, bills, my mom, writing, so this emotional invasion at this level of intensity is just overwhelming.

All of this means that the eating healthy/job hunting thing has not precisely started in full.  I feel like I just want to be inside this selfish cocoon and process and marinate and be concerned with just this thing, not to get it right or wrong, but to witness it.   Still, maybe tomorrow, have the day off, time to wedge a few more things into the day beyond mooning and freaking out.

I have got my insurance confirmed now so at least one trip to therapist before I’m completely too broke again and that’s a good thing.  So.  Yes. Alright.  Time to carry on.  More updates in a week.