I have no idea what the result will be which is not what I wanted to think at this point, but it is what I think. So.


Just barf.

So instead, because I cannot watch this and stay sane…I’m pretty sure I want to tell all my old work friends I think they’re racist monsters and I’m also pretty sure that at some point, regardless of what I feel right now, I might regret that.  I should talk about work.

But that, too, is horrendous and horrific and I…don’t.

I want to look away and I can’t.  I wish I had a friend here.  I wish I had a friend here.


There’s no real language for it.  There’s just a feeling in the body.  The feeling you have when you know something profoundly wrong has happened.  Like you’re watching someone you love get murdered in slow motion.

I need to write, but I just feel really lonely and sad and I just want it to stop.

I was thinking on the ride home, obviously just passively listening to NPR and being alright with everything, that I had to get back to the process of going where the pain was.  The scary bits.  I am knee-deep in one of the scariest things I have ever known and I do not know how to deal with it.

I am okay.  I just find myself crying.  I didn’t think it was possible and I did everything I could do to avoid it.  And yet, here we are.

I just have to sleep.


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