I have no idea what the result will be which is not what I wanted to think at this point, but it is what I think. So.
So instead, because I cannot watch this and stay sane…I’m pretty sure I want to tell all my old work friends I think they’re racist monsters and I’m also pretty sure that at some point, regardless of what I feel right now, I might regret that. I should talk about work.
But that, too, is horrendous and horrific and I…don’t.
I want to look away and I can’t. I wish I had a friend here. I wish I had a friend here.
There’s no real language for it. There’s just a feeling in the body. The feeling you have when you know something profoundly wrong has happened. Like you’re watching someone you love get murdered in slow motion.
I need to write, but I just feel really lonely and sad and I just want it to stop.
I was thinking on the ride home, obviously just passively listening to NPR and being alright with everything, that I had to get back to the process of going where the pain was. The scary bits. I am knee-deep in one of the scariest things I have ever known and I do not know how to deal with it.
I am okay. I just find myself crying. I didn’t think it was possible and I did everything I could do to avoid it. And yet, here we are.
I just have to sleep.