Trundle, crumple, bumble. The cat is in the paper bag.
Stop the whirrrrrrrrl, stop the world!
I am currently more concerned about the drive tomorrow than the questions I’ll be asked and that’s no good. It will be fine.
Time to take it all very slowly and be very clear. My only intention is to get myself to get up to dress myself nicely for work tomorrow and after I am done for the day, I will drive to the interview and answer their questions as well as I can. I will offer everything I can to express my sense that I can take part in their office and make a difference. Then, I’ll figure out how I want to drive home.
I know this driving part of it is suddenly real and under my skin, and the google maps did me no favors, but I can do it. I can really, actually, do it. It’s going to be alright. I’ll be back here to prove it.
It’s just odd, if you come right down to it. I have felt rather weepy and on the edge of things tonight. In part because I went to the store with my mother and younger sister and they bought me things for this interview, regardless of whether or not it was easy for them to afford this, it bothers me. It bothers me that my sister donated funds towards this cause of personal rehabilitation. I…don’t like this at all. And of course, as part of this, I had to be pleasant and try on clothing and take a good look at myself in the mirror and I did not want to do this. The result was…a cannonball of memories and deep, skin-peeling frustration about my appearance, and knowing that my moodiness would throw everyone into a tizzy and I needed something that looked professional and good, so I just mumbled quietly to myself while they brought me matronly looking sweaters and pants that didn’t fit until we settled on an outfit I can make work.
Between this and my brow wax, I feel somewhat better about how I will turn up tomorrow. I will get my nails painted and nearly complete the superfecta. My hair’s still a right mess.
Then, after all of this attempts internal and external to right my ship and get ready for this challenge, we visited with my half-sister and her fiance and kids. My niece and nephew including my niece’s boyfriend. I did sort of feel how depressed and deflated this whole situation makes me – for them, it is easy to make pronouncements and say that it’s completely clear. Get this new job, get rid of the old ones, they’re screwing you, time to take care of yourself. No muss, no fuss, just do it because you’re worth it.
It’s a painful thing, to see something fail, something that was supposed to be so wonderful. And this leap is not just dependent on my wanting it. I….okay.
But I have my assignment written and printed, I have my necklace that glows and shifts color in the light, and I have my best intentions in the world.