Not Remaking the World


Will I be able to sleep tonight?  I honestly am not sure.  I found myself – perhaps due to a bit of midnight chocolate, perhaps due to the insistent monotone of one Neil Breen – with a mind that couldn’t slow itself even to worry.  A bullet train to nowhere.

Eventually, I must have slept because I dreamed that I was in some sort of dating re-training program that would fix all my issues.  It was a boot camp and beyond writing responses on chalkboard tiles to questions that I cannot recall, it involved, at some stage, running along mountains in the snow.  A mission, a trial, a girl could not continue unless she did this. I kept trying to put that part off, but eventually got going and was alright until I remembered that snow was wet and cold.  Cold enough to cause me to get frostbite.  I woke up horrified that I’d been so lackadaisical and fearless as to just go running in the snow without a plan.

I will, eventually, go to sleep, if only by the dire necessity of it, but goodness, last night was a wreck and despite feeling tired and logey and laying down for a nap today, my mind has just decided to run in the same way as my laptop.  Just blowing hot through the dust, in perpetuity.

I have sat in this same spot recently, and I’ve ridden this out.  I’ve ridden all of this out, as my neck’s softened up again, even if my head is still a ball of fuzz.  I also got a new pillow today and have spent some time away from caffeinated compounds, so it’s more a question of time than of a new insidious truth that my life is meant to grow on.  At least, that’s the paradigm that seems the most sensible.  The one that will do most to help me sleep.

There is a kitten grabbing at my ankles.  Her teeth and nails aren’t yet strong enough to do any damage so it feels like a very sweet tickle.  She’s always a reminder when I feel immobilized by the great white nothing, that oh, yes, I do wuv an eedle beedle keeteh.  She just has one single expectation: she will love everything.  She will do this because she knows one single truth: everything loves her – in some degree or fashion.  And she is never, ever wrong.

The other job at the place I applied to did not come through, either.  I am thinking, rather than knowing, that this is because I really did not want it.  Do you ever just know that if you’d felt feverish and intent and strong about it, maybe you’d crash harder if you didn’t get it, but you’d be far more likely to have crossed the threshold into potentially getting it than if you just half-assed it to get it in?  I felt rushed to do it, felt odd about it – a facilities manager?  I, I feel like that’s not…how I want to spend my day to day.  That’s not what I should be doing.  So I think I want to know what’s going on with my employment trajectory, I actively don’t want to continue with what I am currently doing and I don’t have access to the future and this loosey-goosey state of being is really doing things to my body.  Or it’s not and I’m just crazy.

Sigh.  Big, deep, bellows of the world level sigh.

Get out of the marsh.  Food in the belly.  A laugh in the air.  A hand fro the darkness.  Don’t give up. Something will break through.  Someone will break through.  You will break through.  It’s okay even as it feels like you can’t touch the wall anymore.  The water sustains you, without even trying.

Time to put the pasta away, and start the applications.

It’s okay.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.