I can do this now. I don’t think I could have done it as of an hour ago when I was all a’weepin’ and a’wailin about how I was irrevocably dying and I was NOT going to buy anything from those Boy Scouts who prevail upon you to buy something from them as they flail themselves around the grocery store’s de facto foyer.
It was a bad scene, man.
It was a good enough day and then, I heard someone say something about teeth today and dental situations their child had, and throughout the day, a day shaped by having one small frozen tray of Mac and Cheese and a decaf frappuccino, I had new, worrisome symptoms. Sudden pains I could not release just in the spot she described. It is impossible, I should think, for me to alter the mouth situation by thought, but it seemed so. It seemed as if suddenly, this threat of lockjaw threatened me as though it had all along. I made myself feel extreme physical pain over and above the pain I actually am feeling. Add in the headache from lack of food, and straining my neck to read my phone as we didn’t have many shoppers today and I spun myself into a complete catastrophic meltdown. It feels so…real. I’ve set my attention differently and I hurt differently. It’s so…amazing at the same time it is patently ridiculous.
They’ve receded a bit now, especially since I am not able to sit in the silent shop and ponder my jaw muscles. I am also fed again and I don’t feel so very decimated by my emotions and fear.
I have already made the appointment, and now the only thing is to go to it and say what is happening to mme rather than worrying about what to say that would seem the least broken and messed up to the dental tech and the slim, demanding dentist – who is kind, but like most people, doesn’t spend her days in my shoes.
Sitting here now, I do feel much calmer about all of it. One more day and then another break in the action.
I have not, as of this moment, heard anything more from the rogue RP soul (the aforementioned You, mentioned afore in yesterday’s post). Obviously, I had sort of kinda sorta maybe hoped that there was a 24-hour window of having reinitiated “contact” or whatever, that an actual hello or a human update would follow. That would signify to me that any of this was on purpose rather than an accidental button click. In the absence of any such communication, I have elected to let the status quo remain rather than send some query. I can’t drag this thing along even if would be the sort of distraction my mind desperately needs right now. I am not the motor.
The remainder of this evening – just a single hour now – has to be devoted to staying relaxed, staying out of thinking too much, and the relief of silence.