I have felt what I would call depressed this past week. Low-energy, depleted, deflated, self-abnegating, overwhelmed, trapped, thwarted, so thwarted, and scared out of my wits. I am not sure that many people who have interacted with me would be able to tell, but I have.
It is this wet, heavy coat. I have not taken it off, but I have let it fall off my shoulders for a bit.
I was surprised today.
It is a curious thing how as negative as you care to be, the world will sometimes extend an arm around you and gather you up if only for a moment in a gesture of warmth and caring. Sometimes this happens just as you are realizing that there is a life beyond your panic, that you’re a sunny-side up girl at your core, that okay, eventually, you will get your teeth handled and eventually your neck won’t hurt and as spazzy as you are in this instant, you will be alright.
Sometimes this happens when your boss and mentor decides that the necklace you’ve put on layaway (the one you secretly think bears your soul in the facets of its vintage glass that can turn five colors when you hold it towards the light) should be yours. Your boss/mentor and her husband who you adore and respect up and decide that you are doing a good job and you just deserve it. You just get to have it.
I don’t know, precisely, how to deal with things like this. My dad giving me money (which in turn lets me give money back to my sister that I owe her). My other sister saying Let’s go to this show you love. My mother making me lunch. People doing these kind things that say that you have been on their minds. You exist, if only as an idea, to them. When you are away, they think about how to make you happy or happier. This is odd to me. The people I have love me, they just love me. And that just is, but this is an act of love and support. Makes me want to be a better person. To be thoughtful for others.
In that vein, I put my writers group on hiatus. It’s just not fair to show up there without really having shown up – without really doing the work that I’m asking everyone else to do. To not be interested, to be around people who are less interested, it just becomes a drain. I will see if the new year will find me in a better position to do it, but right now…I look at things like that in terms of gas money and just driving that far to hear one person’s fanfic is not something I am into right now.
It’s not in service of building me up.
I am thinking too big right now as far as that goes. Right now, getting myself into the bath is as big as the dream is stretched. That’s okay.