Born With No Body


I dreamed manically and maniacally last night, or perhaps, this morning.

I woke up at 9a.m., after a late night of watching Great British Bake-Off and GBBO associated content.  All drizzle cakes and cardamom.  I thought about what I had to do today, thought about my tooth which was present, throbbing, but only lightly, and that it had not bothered me at all while I slept and promptly, exhaustedly, fell back asleep.

I dreamed about my grandfather, standing there when we opened the door, looking as I recall him to have looked.  I heard that we were going to go see my grandmother and I knew she had passed away, and then I knew that my grandfather had passed away, too, but it was fine for him to get in the van with us.

I dreamed about all my hair falling out, or thinking so, but then realizing I was just using a brush equipped with stick-straight Barbie hair.  I dreamed about my little sister having to move out of wherever we were – immediately, and had hordes of friends and helpers moving everything out from around me.  I felt this was not entirely right, but they were carrying away furniture and mattresses and I, in my dream, could barely be roused.  I dreamed and dreamed and dreamed, all of the dreams, both the lethargic and energized ones, looked as though they were set in one of the Twilight films.

Eventually, I heard my sister leaving for work.  11:30a.m.  At this point, I did force myself awake.  A. Grump.

I did make the call that I needed to make today, though, once my sister left.   They can’t just whoopsadaisy it.  But I can do something short-term and then I can do something after that. I know what’s what rather than just wondering and worrying, at least, on this one particular issue.  There are still two or three other auxiliary problems that I need to deal with to get the mouth rectified.  Goodness knows that if the pain increases, I will just go, finances be damned, but for the moment…it hasn’t.  Only persisted.  So, I am armed with information.  That does feel better, if I actually let my brain get out of the hot tub I’ve left it in, and think about the importance of giving a shit.

Emotionally, I feel very logey and I have to say, just not bubbly and vacation-appreciative.   I went to the grocery store and got a fresh toothbrush, some makeup, some decaf coffee, and a little bit of a sandwich rather than making some separate trip to a restaurant. There’s something I need to make for dinner now and then, I am going to get a load of laundry rolling, make this bed, and send a couple emails and live, you know, rather than fugue out.

Ultimately, I feel like until I get this taken care of, I’m going to be irritable.  I am trying to just accept it and work on it and be chill in the interim, distracted at least, and right now, oy.  I am just so frustrated and upset in ways that haven’t bubbled up, I think, that I am just going to be a jerk for a while and that’s so unfair.  It’s such a waste of time.  I just have to take care of me one way or another.