Ah, girl. Ah, darling girl.
These are the hard, unnerving places you have to go. And all of them are wide enough for the echo of your imperfection to boomerang around you and vibrate through your muscle, your water, your blood, your bones. The loneliest, saddest places you’ve got to machete your way into. The Marianas Trench has nothing on them for darkness, pressure, lack of oxygen and hope. But nothing gets improved while you stand still and shudder, or shutter all the windows and silence yourself. Things, do, in fact, get worse.
So. I know that you hate dealing with your own screw-ups. The fact that your father said, if you do nothing else, don’t do this and here you are, having, out of avoidance, having done exactly that. You would much rather just walk away, forget, put your hands over your ears, elbows over your eyes and wait. Wait for eons if necessary.
But that forgetting, that purposeful disremembrance, has really made things harder when reality doesn’t actually alter under the power of your magical thinking. Tomorrow, we have to make the call and work this out and life has to go on. Sinking feelings in one’s stomach are not the full breadth of existence.
Are you okay right now? Like right, right now? For the most part, yeah? For the most part, I am not on fire.
It is only a further sign, though, that the situation as it stands – jobwise, lifewise, skywise – is not tenable and not the right place for me. This a lesson that I desperately need to both learn and unlearn. Yes, I need to take better care and responsibility for myself and yes, I need to do that before I try and take it for anyone or anywhere else.
I have a shot to make it right and I am going to take that shot as soon as I can. Pull up my big girl panties (I absolutely abhor that turn of phrase) and get some sort of care on this whole mouth situation. Or at least move in that direction.
So, tomorrow, I will reluctantly, but necessarily provide an equally vague update on that. So long as I don’t actually fall into a crack in the earth or end up on being carted out of here on some gurney, I will keep that promise.
In other news, it is just before 10am on this Labor Day. I have things to do in this patchwork vacation week. Putting Civ V on. Unfucking my habitat. If can just get my brain to help me do this.
Dealing with intermittent panic and then distracted calm. I’ve expressly drunk no caffeine. No soda. Nothing. I am kind of planning to take a long nap just to turn my brain off after having a brief moment of panic just before the Labor Day BBQ. That or watch MST3K until I feel fully on the peaceful side of it and it’s 9am.
I am okay. Unless I think about it.
I am okay. Unless. But I am.