The Lady Jerk

quartz-1425352 (1)I don’t know why I need that to be the title.  I do, though.  I do.

Except for my thoughts and feelings, I was entirely okay today.   The thoughts and feelings, though, were either non-existent or short bursts of fear and panic.  Luckily, those, too, were fairly immediately quelled.

We were very busy at the store.  Lots of women in to buy lots of dresses and to parade themselves in front of husbands and sons as though they were gladiators awaiting Caesar’s quick motion of the thumb to approve of their 50% off summer silk tops.  No curious characters, however, or at least none that really lingered to give me the full view.  Maybe one very nice person at the end of the day and I could give her the whole spiel about the town. There wasn’t much time to dwell on my burnt tongue or if I was having a weird experience in my fingertips or not.  If I was, both are much improved at the time of this writing. My tooth still hurts.  Sometimes acutely, mostly, it’s a forgettable, dull twinge.

I do find myself feeling profoundly exhausted.  Like I could just drop off into sleep mid-type.  I am not going to do that right at this very moment, but I am hoping to give myself a break and get some extra sleep.  That and extra water.  Extra inspiration to get myself on the road out of Ennui-ville.

Lately, maybe the past four days or so, all tangentially related, I imagine to the burdens of being her Ladyship at this Hallowed and Obligatory Tyme of the Monthe, I’ve been

But I do still think about the hard places and going there.  The worries that so absorb me, the thoughts that I let torment me for days on end, the behaviors that I am afraid are negatively impacting me but have some minute level of comfort for me so I’ve clung to them…all of these issues that I’ve labeled as beyond re-consideration…I don’t know.

Maybe I can’t get in there and charge ahead.  I start to try and back off the parapets really quickly.  But I don’t want to leave the waiting room, I don’t want to give up the fight, and squander the quandary, as it were.

I need to get some happy in my bones, some laughing, some silliness, some OH HELL YESS I GET THREE DAYS OFF NOW. dance party situational upper go-go juice.

So, while I spent some part of the day wondering if “the infection has gone to the brain or has it gone to the heart?” I also,

  • had super cute hair with braids and a feather clip I haven’t worn in forever
  • come tomorrow, I get to see my mother and my father who I miss
  • I am going to sleep in as late as is necessary or is desirable
  • I determinedly ate carrots on purpose.  I have cauliflower for tomorrow
  • I still have money to eat!
  • the whole of this day I worried about something horrific happening and here I am, finishing this post.  so there.

 

2 thoughts on “The Lady Jerk”

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