The Road to Malibu (A Book of Positivity)

break-dance-1554634-1279x850 A book of Positivity is much easier to write when one is a bit pickled.  I needed the booze tonight.

  • Remembering the word compartmentalization (I have to first remember Alias’ Sydney Bristow – which leads me to Michael Vartan – which leads me to bleeding fingernails – which leads me to that one day in college when I thought everything was amazing – which leads me back to Poudre Valley Drop-Offs and that one night in the car – which leads me to alcohol which leads me to tonight and this tweet that people are liking and retweeting.
  • Everyone.
  • The other day this customer came in who was youthful, younger than me.  I helped her pick out a bee ring and she spent much longer than necessary deciding what size she wanted.  She kept apologizing and saying I was so great to help her.  Then she decided to get one for her mom. Apparently her family were beekeepers. Then, she told me whilst being so smiley like I just told her she won the lottery: YOU ARE SO GREAT.  YOU DESERVE A RAISE!  She may have been a lesbian and this may have been an earnest, if doomed, attempt at flirtation.  I would have no idea.  What I do know is that there was way over the top sincerity in that compliment and I need way over the top sincerity in my compliments.
  • I am listening to the only known recording of Virginia Woolf and getting the shivers while I drink my rum and coke and feel for the first time in a while actually like something good might be coming.  And that good thing might be me.  Waiiiit.  Not what I meant.
  • “Nothing is hopeless.  We must hope for everything.”
  • Time is slipping so far out of my hands but I’m alright.  I’m alright not thinking about it.
  • I’m alright thinking that my mom is feeling alright even if she isn’t alright.
  • There are more than ten water bottles sitting next to me.  FYI.
  • I am wanting to begin.  I am not wanting to detail all the steps that are now sounding appealing after many months of sounding exhausting and embarrassing – mostly because you start to say the landmarks on the roadmap out of here (here being a mindset rather than a place, at least this time around) and it sounds like deja vu and like you just Mapquested how to get to the moon.  (The nearest google maps will get you to is Moon, PA – just about 450-some miles away.)
  • I am not, however, gunning for Olympic gold.  Just to be alive, you know, just to be moving out of neutral.
  • A woman came in asking after a bookstore that had been gone for more than ten years.  She wasn’t well.  We weren’t sure where she had come from or where she was going.  All of this made me think of Mr. Rochester, briefly, like a shout over paved-over moor.
  • Never Tease a Weasel
  • I think about how much my mom’s done to take care of herself and how maybe that’s the saving grace (we’ve yet to know if anything is saving anything, but the grace part is surely there) and I am driving myself into the ground with alacrity.  I can do more than nothing.

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