Your Life Knows No Answer


My hands hurt today so I’m avoiding writing this.

Work.  It’s a curious thing.  I was really flipping out about work, about the recent resignations, worried about what Monday would bring.  Now, the plans are back in place for me to return to full-time, my sister as well.  And as one might expect, I am of seriously mixed emotions about this.  I began thinking that nothing would be feasible to change by next month when the application for the government job might possibly need me to start (if on the very off-chance I were to get it) and that I could just continue this way until I had to make the big shift out of both jobs.  Now, potentially, on paper, at least, I would be back to full-time and back to the regular grind and would be able to quit the little shop job and be able to pay my bills, etc.

But, the resignations don’t suddenly create money so I feel like there’s still reason to go ahead with the application and see if I even get an interview.  Even though it’s hard when there’s such a profound sense of internal restructuring and perhaps, a light at the end of this particular tunnel, as I have begun to feel attached to my little shop job.  To its limitations of scope.   To the people and to the way I was feeling capable or am feeling capable there.  I close, I help, I listen, and they care about me.  It’s not an instantaneous care, and I’ve goofed up, but it feels legit.  Having to leave that behind for this job where I feel so out of my depth and where the feeling is so…difficult and prickly at times, even though, it will give me what I need to get back on an even financial keel, is depressing me.  I am contemplating offering to keep working there on Saturdays and using that money to pay off debt and keep my employee discount.  Possibly.

We did talk about me doing more writing at the big job, doing more of the website redesign, more of things other than operations, to which I tried to pivot into renegotiating my whole job description but ended up only really getting to the point where we would have to take a look at everything.  Everything for everyone.  That was more than I thought today would have lead me towards, so, I will do what I can until I can get some perspective.  Day by day and bird by bird.

Today also featured Babymetal performing at an award show and delighting me, the RNC sickening me, my playlist for my mother coming together and now I have help to add to it and keep it growing and hearing her stress over having to do an MRI today which she hates.  Which anyone would hate.  I feel helpless in the very tone of her voice when I call to see if she wants to go to lunch, but instead, you know…there’s stuff to do.  Cancer stuff that has to be done and I am just wanting to go to lunch.  But am not turning away.  I will keep going so she can see me doing that and do it, too.



3 thoughts on “Your Life Knows No Answer”

  1. What is your big job?? Sounds like it may at least offer some creative pursuits that you seem interested in! Picking a career i love has been one of the hardest things for me. I was never someone who had one “calling”

  2. The big job, one of my current two, is working in admin for a non-profit. Sometimes a very non-profit. There are angles I can pursue to be more creative, but first I have to get other parts of the job completed that I find much more challenging for reasons that aren’t entirely to do with me. I know my calling – if such a thing exists – is to write, but completing something and getting it suitable just has not…happened yet.

  3. I work for a non profit too- that sounds cool what you do! Keep your dreams alive, you’ll make it to where you want to be someday. Most people are not exactly where they want to be! Including myself. But I feel like as long as you are always working towards that ultimate goal, you’re good.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.