It is quite a thing for a girl in my position to overdose on the taffeta and organza orgiastic nightmare that is Say Yes to the Dress. Its delusion and its wastefulness and its unbearable brides insisting that a 10,000 dress rather than a 1000 dress or a 100 dress is going to ultimately make a difference beyond the comfort level of an ego on a single day of a single life.
And perhaps, in this unknown world onto which I peer, the difference exists and is palpable. From the screen, though, it is just Veruca after Veruca, even the modest ones are Verucas demanding spotlights for no other reason than to insist that the world kowtow to the fact that they have committed to a relationship.
Is that raw bitterness spewing onto the page tonight? I feel like I have spent hour upon hour with women who can’t shop where I work until they lose twenty lbs and announce that fact when they leave as if to make sure we know that they know that we know. Women who can’t wear things their husbands don’t like. Women who can’t walk around in a piece of fabric because they’re a certain age. Women who hate the fuck out of themselves in a public, pleasant, social sort of way.
All the time at the shop, I walk around in an ill-fitting costume, tits akimbo, blobbo-arms bare to the shoulder, feeling alright about it. Or mostly alright until I get two or three of slender, stylish ladies in a row who savage themselves and suddenly, I pass by one of our countless full-length mirrors (I don’t keep such a weapon of mass destruction in my house) and yeah, okay, I need to lose twenty pounds to work at this store. To live my life. To not die alone. To breathe another breath. But then I breathe another breath and I look at myself and I say, okay. Maybe you need that, but you have to finish this shift. And I finish the shift and come here thinking about how penny-ante and asinine my worries are with what’s going on with my mom, my country, my world.
But still. In my country, the thought is not obliterated. The endless ache of less than remains. And I do, tonight, in this hot, dark space, feel the absence of a thing I desire. A hope I want to cling to. What I have to cling to is letting me slide down into places I don’t care to be.
You have not replied, you have not restarted our…liaison. This is okay. This is not okay. This is what is. This could be the thing that saves my bacon. Saves me from refreshing a webpage every two minutes for the rest of my life. Eventually. It is fine. I like the tenterhooks, except, of course, when I want to throw the whole laptop through a wall and let me go with it.
I have therapy in a few days, therapy that I can hardly afford anymore, but by law have to keep paying the insurance for (I love you, Obama and having this insurance will be important when they discover all the sicknesses I am surely riddled with) and I am already half-deciding not to mention all of this. It’s not real and I know that. That it’s already a giant leap over a chasm I may or may not be able to ford seems less important than the fact that I have no say or agency or actual embodied experience of you.
Really, what I want and need to say is that I am ready to do the work. All of the work in all of the ways that it is.