Diaphanous

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A woman in the shop used that word to describe a dress, offhandedly. I love that word.  I never describe anything as diaphanous, mostly out of but in my mind, in my ideal world, every bit of fabric is just precisely so.

It comes to mind now as I’m watching an impromptu marathon of Say Yes to the Dress and there’s just piles upon expensive piles of diaphanous forms and I shudder and think about a driving a phillips head right through my temple while I smile, empathically delighted in the delight of these strangers.  One person’s love for another makes all the world more loveable.  One person’s true faith makes it all that bit more viable.  I try and believe that.  I try and watch those shows because it is so easy to believe that I don’t add into that count, that I’m not part of the flow of luck and romantic energy.  That I somehow repel it.  But mostly, I just avoid it because it causes me pain.  I find dresses beautiful, love stories diaphanous.  And, tonight I watch it because you haven’t written me back and I could so, so, so use a message from you tonight.  Like that would make me jump up and down and sing songs.  I don’t know how or why or what is going on to preclude that from happening, only that it is WAY out of my purview to complain, but damnit.  It’s too late, now.  It’s just…

I need to look in other avenues for some sort of intimacy and…whatever, frivolous fun? Wordplay? Gamesmanship. Distraction.  Diversion.  It’s ironic that it feels like it helps me be sane about one thing during this era of utter insanity.  I can’t hang myself on this one hook that’s so high off the ground, and yet.

Maybe right now I am profoundly motivated by wrapping the feeling of fantasy around me.  I’m thinking about starting another Mass Effect run.  I am thinking about how I can do exercise in a house that’s around 80-85 degrees at night.  I am thinking about minutiae and shows to catch up on and from time to time I will even ruminate on my story.

Reality is not breaking me in two, though.  I don’t want anyone…well, it is, but I am capable of being strong, as the quote goes, in those broken places. Work was actually, for the first time in a long time, okay today.  Okay in that I got paid a bit.  I also was on my own to just work through some paperwork I needed to work through and I had to go downtown and drop something off and that broke the day up.  I just pretended I was finishing things off because I was leaving, and it became easier to make decisions.  There would be no second chances to worry about it.

Now, now it’s late and I still need a bath.  Tomorrow it’s shop day.  Tomorrow it’s back to the thoughts of the body and dresses I will not buy.

 

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