There’s never enough time.
Here’s me. Here’s the page. We’re trying to align ourselves. I’m trying to listen to what the noises are and what they mean. The noises of the Great Whatever – a whatever that remains great despite your presence to bear witness to it, sir. I hear the clack of the dryer turning over once more and its insistent beep. I should have finished my laundry today but I’ve run the washer and dryer to the point that my empathy extends to their Italian-made mechanics. I don’t want to bust the thing. I just find it highly effective to deal with a mess in laundry loads. Putting it in, transferring it up, and putting just that much away. This is how we end up with a room that has a clear floor (save for the last few lumps of cotton and polyester and wool and faux-leather that remain under the desk, waiting for their glorious log ride back to suitability and an attempt at being hung in some sort of order in the closet.) Everything, regardless of whether it needs it, into the washer. Let the soap sort it out. This is my new philosophy.
Another new philosophy. June 1. It’s the day after tomorrow. This date is the starting of my going back to MyFitnessPal and tracking my food intake and exercising 10 minutes a day, even if it requires figuring out how to get the squeak out of this stationary bike, and essentially, not wasting the second half of the year. It’s just happening. Mentioning it here bears no impact on the doing of it or the not doing of it so I won’t hesitate to mention it. Like the pile of extraordinarily earnest Japanese girls who made/make up idol band creation thing Sakura Gakuin – the ones I’ve been watching videos of to the point that their high-pitched voices speaking a tongue I have zero comprehension of make perfect sense. They’re constantly saying “I will do my best!” “I will commit! I will increase my effort!” Push-button sincerity. I just know that my best is better than the way I feel at this particular moment. Unwell, jolted, caffeinated, all of the things I started the year excited to break away from.
Oh, the thing I wanted to talk about yesterday and didn’t was the fact that I got a small advance on my…god, it feels gross to use this word, but inheritance. And by small, I mean, small enough that it will in no way alter my life at all, but large enough to both be noteworthy and to be really helpful and important right now. It feels extremely weird that the efforts of someone’s life has a dollar value and I, because I was blood of that blood, now get to spend it. I wish I was in a position to honor it and save it and push it forward. But right now, I am grateful that it’s…in my hands.
I just have to go give it my best effort and let the rest go.